Simple songs being butchered and notes in wrong timing read. The sound is not as sweet as I would like, but intriguing none the less. It awakens a part of my brain that will not die no matter how much I neglect it. This crappy keyboard tells me I am creative.

I'm stressed out. All these fragmented thoughts I dare not put together. It needs to stop. The blankness in my mind that I let consume me. I need to work through the disarray, and not be afraid of what I will find. My thoughts are not bad. My love is real. My God is true. I can be creative and create good things. I can be loved.

Father, renew my mind. Refresh my spirit. Open the eyes of my understanding. Thank you for my wife. Amen

I would love to type out something insightful, but my creative drive seems completely depleted. I don't quite understand the longing. To be insightful or creative just for the sake of being insightful or creative. Maybe that's the problem right there.

I believe that creativity should flow naturally out of spirituality. Therefore, creativity can be the natural outworking of the supernatural, which is profoundly insightful.

I have no insights.
I long for depth.

I can pray.

Praise be to God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has given us new life, into a new hope that will not perish.

Amen.

Redefinition

I started writing for the simple purpose of trying to find out where to go from here ('here' clearly being relative to my situation at the time). I titled my blog, "The Next Step" because I felt that was always, all I needed. Beyond the next step was irrelevant, because when you're lost, one step in the right direction makes all the difference. My optimistic spirit was convinced that the rest would work itself out.

However, now the tables have turned.

I found my error when I tried to add up all of these abstract, obscure ideas. I carefully placed them in to a pile, then added heat. I melted them down in to one huge introspective lens. I set it up with myself as the target. Do you know what I saw?

Nothing. Well not really nothing, but it might as well have been nothing. It didn't matter.

Then I figured it out. The goal of every post was to help me take that one step. That step has now been taken. I have chosen my path, it's with the girl I love. I have chosen to take her, and journey with her. She is now square one, and the steps have changed.

This is nothing less than a redefinition of reality.
This is a redefinition of self.

God, fill this space. Make it so full that it might stop time. Time has turned on me. Make it stop.

Oh that I may follow you, that I might know You and Your ways.

I know that there is a hand. It's stretched out so far that I can't see where it comes from. It searches all day and night for me. How I wish it could find me now. Find us.

Grace and mercy, please find me, I know you're sufficient.



"So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten,
Suns are like birds flying always over the mountain."

-Iron and Wine "Upward over the mountain"

A question that I try too hard not to ask: "What if I'm not as strong as you think I am?"

Maybe it's the look and the encouraging answer that would be sure to follow, that I'm not sure I want to hear... but it's comforting to know that I'm the one that needs convincing, not you.

So what do I need? Time? I don't think so. I think it's more so that I don't think about what I need enough. In my defense, it's usually because I'm too consumed with others needs. In your defense, I also get distracted way too easily.

There isn't time to go through every distracting trade-off. The reality is that things I love keep me from the things I love more. Damn this ridiculously positive disposition of mine... I swear I could make a killing selling my excess serotonin. Damn it Teej, that's not the point. Focus!

The answer isn't in the trade-off, it's actually surprisingly similar to the plan. The connection isn't in logistics, it's in the word. The word is 'companionship', and it doesn't represent a trade-off, it represents a balance of everything I love. It represents who I am.

Please love my thoughts, so I can explore them all with you.
I love you.

Heart of Gold

Before a single word was sung, I was already there. Overwhelmed with sorrow, walking down that red carpeted isle. I couldn't remember if it was in front of me, or behind. You put your arm around me, and told me to "be strong". This was the most affection you've ever shown me, and perhaps the only affection. It felt good, even though I had never been so sad.

I shake myself out of this moment, back to reality, but I'm drawn back in because I have to remember. I force myself to walk the isle again, I have to know, was he in front or behind me. I remember now, the procession was in front. I followed. I couldn't take it. At the end of the isle, we saw him for the last time. I won't ever allow myself to forget that day. I just wish that, in our last memory of him, that he would have been standing. I know you wish the same.

I find it truly fascinating how life can take such sharp turns at such high speeds. How did I get here? I ask that question often, perhaps because I keep moving. I think I fall in to the trap of trying to make sense of my present by analyzing the path of my past. The problem is that the path only exists when you look backwards. As we move, we are ever laying new pieces of path behind us, but in looking forward we see no path. It is said that the past works only by addition, because the only function you can do to it is add. But there is a million functions for the future, because nothing is fixed. However, despite how random life is, momentum seems to persist.

It's like driving in a car on the highway, and car starts accelerating and then maintains a speed of about 200km/hour, then after a few minutes slows back down to 100. The reduced speed feels painfully slow, it feels as if you could step out of the vehicle and walk beside it. Life is mundane, seemingly pointless, without progress. It only takes one moment, one crash, and life stops. In only takes one moment to see how delicate life is, and how powerful its motion.

So ten years later, I look back at the ground I've covered. Many painful turns were taken to get here... none as painful as that one. It's that one turn that brings us back to that "heart of gold". Will we ever find it, or more importantly, will our hearts ever compare to his. Ten years later I think about your words, telling me to "be strong," and what that really means. Over the years, I've learned a few things, and I can only hope that you will learn them too. I've learned that being stereotypically "strong", looks more like becoming hard, and takes very little strength at all. You don't need to be strong to protect yourself, you need to be strong to stay true to yourself and let people in. Being strong is to allowing oneself to be weak and vulnerable, and it is required to love and give. When true love reveals itself, it is in ones capacity to be weak that will determine the strength of the bond. This is where my strength is tested, and I cannot be certain, but I'm pretty sure that this is the only way a "heart of gold" can reveal itself.

"Water under the bridge is never coming back."
-Josh Ritter


I can't help but imagine an intersection. A place where roads meet and people interact. We are all constantly crossing each others paths, but this intersection is different. In this exact intersection, we understand, we forgive, and we embrace. After we cross this intersection we embark on a different path. A path that is a little lighter than the one before. Void of bitterness, void of anxiety and hurt towards the other individual. The new path is one traveled in love, and love never fails.

The problem is that I don't know the name of the street you should be on. I'm not even confident that I'm on the right street. All these streets look alike. In fact, I know that some streets will take me to where I want to go faster than the streets that will most likely bring me to this intersection with you.

So I weigh my values on a scale. What do I value? You should be able to tell by now, that this isn't simply a matter of logistics. The question is really, how many steps am I willing to take in a direction that might not benefit me, to have a healthy relationship with you?

I know that this demands trust. That means to trust that you will find that road, and find me. This is might not be realistic, but if I truly love, than I will be pushed to trust. I also know that a healthy relationship demands respect. This can be much more difficult, because as trust is a bi-product of love, respect a reflection of direction... and your life might be a train wreck, which makes respect hard. However, healthy relationships also demand grace and empathy, which make respect possible.

So let me be honest. I believe that there is something good inside you. Something so beautifully soft and human that longs for the most pure things. You might have tried to satisfy those longings with impostors, and those impostors might have led you to a place that you don't want to be. The regress will be painful, and might seem impossible. But I wonder, would it help you get there if you knew that I trusted you? If you knew that I respected you and have empathy for your story?

I want to find that intersection that restores relationships. I want to find the path that brings people back in to healthy community. A bridge where we could meet and watch the water pass by beneath us, knowing that it will never come back. That is where I want us to meet, because our roads might not be that different after all.