This thing about you...

There is so much racing through my mind that listening seems almost impossible. Luckily, I know that I'm led by higher ways. The last of this Sumatra helps relieve the tension in my brain. It reminds me that amongst the transition and the disarray... I know enough, and have all I need to know... and I am so thankful.

I'm willing and able.
I'm already committed.
Just waiting on some details.

I love You

All these highs and lows... God, do you think I'm ridiculous?

...

Haha, okay. You don't have to answer that.

hmmm. The path of the righteous is like the shining sun, shining brighter and brighter until the full light of day. Not that the path isn't bumpy... but we don't have to walk in the dark. We don't need to stumble when we get the courage to run. We can know the right way.

But in all this, I want to acknowledge, that it is more important to know Him than to know the information that He wants to give you. Knowing the way to go is nice, but to know Him... is amazing.

Psalm 139
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

Lord, you alone know the painful process that I have gone through to get here. I look back on the dark moments, and so clearly see how you were with me. I look at where I am and see the fulfillment of so many prayers. I look forward... and I am nervous, because I know this is just a start... but I know that You're with me.

Thank you

A few steps closer. Momentum building.
Today, it would be hard for you to convince me that my God is not tangible.

Here is the reality, as much stress that I can have from wanting to hear from God and know His will... He wants me to know even more. So the struggle is not to convince God, but to position myself to hear.

I think we're probably both in the same boat with this. Here is the hard part, God doesn't give out direction for consideration. God will not show you a series of plans for you to choose which one is best for you. You do not get to ask for a plan B. This is a matter of heart. It means going through the process of putting your desires behind, loosening the grip on your dreams, and actually make yourself available for anything... Then it's not so much a matter of asking God for His will, but telling him, You have already agreed to do it... and you're just waiting on some details.

Lord, let my heart be there. I trust you, I want to be willing... positioned to go. Positioned to hear. I love you.

This transition is intense, but more and more I'm grasping the reality of the situation. The friction is both shaping me and redirecting my path in to something bigger than I could imagine.

Thank you Lord.

Friction

Each step gained weight as the path became both steeper and more jagged. The next resting point is absurdly out of reach if it even exists at all. I wish I could give up, but I have one problem with that... I've never felt so free.

All this friction is more intense than I had imagined... It can so easily consume me. However, it only takes a moment to get my eyes off it, and then I can clearly see the reality of my situation... which is nothing short of the manifestation of my prayers. Moving forwards can take up every bit of my strength... but after every step, I can look back and clearly see your fingerprints left on my back. Your grace is amazing... the end so much more valuable than the cost... even though it costs everything.

Thank you like hearted people for valuing the beauty of humanity and the calling on your lives.

Clarity. Not that I've found it, but I've stumbled on to something too great, that I can't deny its potential. I thank God, that as I stumble along, He directs my steps. Although my pace is staggered, my balance is off, my vision is blurred, and I'm mostly direction less... I choose to take another step. I'm weak, but grace and His presence upholds me. Light breaks through the darkness... taking me down paths I would have never imagined... discoveries that are so sweet to my soul... leaving me nourished.

The sweet connect. That is all I seek. It's all in you.
So I ask these questions, knowing that you are willing, able, and not slack in your promises. Work in me Lord. I know it's your love that transcends understanding, and that freedom comes from you. Thank you Lord for carrying me. Purify my heart, that I can see, that I can hear, so that I can turn and you can heal me. Help me to see the beauty in the human spirit all around me, so that I can better love you and those around me.

Progress is a byproduct of your hand on me. Blessing overtakes me, always with purpose... never let the byproduct hold me back from the truth of your love. All is yours, and it's you that feed me, and satisfy the full dynamic of my soul.

Thank you Lord, for the adventure before me. It's overwhelming, the new duplex, the new friends, the challenge and the calling. It's all in your hands, I'm willing. I know this is going to be bigger than I can imagine... and if you don't meet me there, I'm dead already... but I know you're faithful.

Don't let Gerald Wilcox kill me.

Moment of honesty.
I can still hear this house making fun of me... and it hurts my feelings.
I mean, I know I was naive. That house doesn't need to rub it in.
The tail end of all those consequences is going to be intense, but at least it is the tail.

So I stand still. The momentum of my freedom got out of hand, and a moment of confusion caused me to stop and look back. I'm not sure how long I've been standing here now, time doesn't seem to be a factor. How did I get here? Where was I going? It seemed to be important because I was really in a hurry. I could stare at this path behind me all day, and try to make sense of it... or worse, try to think of how I could have changed it... like, "what if I could have better articulated the position you put me in." and "what if I kept fighting, maybe..."

"Hey!"
"ya?"
"Look, you can go back down that path, but I'll tell you right now, you're going to be walking it alone."
"Why do you say that?"
"I've been down that way, and you're not going to find anyone to fight for you down there."
"Then what's the point in moving at all?"
"I tell you the truth, if you choose to move forwards, I will fight by your side every step."

Freedom is beautiful. But limited by truth and discipline... and meaningless without love.

Greed to recover Desire hides the real offer of its return - John tries to force himself to feel it, but finds (and accepts) Lust instead.

The deception does not last: but it leaves a habit of sin behind it

Another groggy morning... I climb out of bed too early, because falling back asleep is clearly impossible. The voices bombard my brain... but I haven't decided which ones to listen to yet. I'm not anxious... because I know where to start. Of all the hunger, cravings and aches... my spirit takes precedence. I know what sustains.

My mind tells me to dream...
My body wants to die...
My textbooks try to remind me of my exam tomorrow... but they need to learn to speak up.
My americano gently whispers, "Hey, don't do anything rash here. Take some time to figure this out... that's it... sit back..."

This morning could not be long enough.

1 “Is anyone thirsty?
Come and drink—
even if you have no money!
Come, take your choice of wine or milk—
it’s all free!
2 Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength?
Why pay for food that does you no good?
Listen to me, and you will eat what is good.
You will enjoy the finest food.

3 “Come to me with your ears wide open.
Listen, and you will find life.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you.
I will give you all the unfailing love I promised to David."

Isaiah 55

Know to identify your cravings, and don't be deceived in to spending your energy on what doesn't satisfy. Your cravings are good, but we can way too easily fill them with what doesn't satisfy. Only He can satisfy the whole dynamic of your being... and He is the only one that offers it... free of charge.