Some prophesies are self fulfilling,
I've had to work for all of mine.
Better times are gonna come to me God willing,
cause I can't, leave this world behind.

-Josh Ritter

Still wresting with what is a point of view and what is reality... and if the distinction matters at all. It does little to change the direction of the path in front of me, but I would like to think that it could at least change the colors... the more I figure out.

Sometimes I wish that God would just stop everything, get my attention, and ask, "Are there any questions at this point in the show?"

Cause I have some... and maybe I'm just waiting for a good time to ask.

Wrestling With Dysfunction

Consider an abstract spectrum.
On one end are your truest desires… so true that you can't fully comprehend them. They would only be proved once discovered, and that only if discovery is even possible. On the other end is your duty to better the quality of life for others. For the most part, life’s dealings fall gently in the middle where our desires of intimacy lift up and better others as we connect with their desires. However, community proves that this equilibrium is quite sensitive, and the theory of max utility falls short once again. Spending ones life to bring life to others offers an amazing reward, yet it can seem to leave little room to explore the depths of ones own personal desires.

The very fact that this spectrum exists in my mind tells me that I am buying in to an impostor. However, sometimes I struggle with this thing called ‘self’. Not to make myself out to be a selfless martyr, but sometimes I feel that the only way to truly seek my own desires, I would have to be convinced that I am the only person on this planet. Perhaps then I could be truly selfish. On the other hand, why even bother with those petty desires that hold no promise of true satisfaction on discovery… I know that I’ll choose the hand that holds the most desires for the most people anyways... Utility wins again. Way to go team.

Conclusion → These desires I have bring me hurt. Helping others brings me joy… but to fully give up on desire, is to starve a part of my being to death. I love much, but I have also suppressed much. Maybe that’s what it means to die to self… if it is, I am yet to find the healthiest way.

A truth does emerge that I cannot deny…
In this life,
I have given more than I have received.
More has been taken out than put in.
Yet I am full. And overflow.

Profoundly loved... Perhaps even more profoundly accepted. I love to give…
I will fight to confess. I will face my demons.

To be fully known, and wildly loved.
It's such a rare combination.
Yet that is exactly what we are.

-Some contemporary Christian musician...

Contrary to the view that love always keeps one eye open and one shut, a greater love presents an alternative. It speaks of a realm where every light is turned on and every corner exposed. One would think the exposed dysfunction would bring shame... but the embrace confirms the opposite. Grace has never been sweeter.

What more can I ask of you?
Can I really ask for one more thing?

Here I am. A mess of knots, plagued by dysfunction... enticed by lack, and temped by impostors. You know every bit of my disarray... and yet you wildly and profoundly love me.

Thank you

Generations of love

I read the story of the prodigal son. I'm not him, I'm the older brother. I'm bitter, and I can't forgive. I live in envy, and I take it out on those around me. I haven't treated Linda well.

I want to change. I've made many mistakes, nobody can take that from me... it's all my fault, don't tell me otherwise. I'm telling you that I haven't been the man I should be, just nod, and don't try to stop me... this should have been said long ago.

He changed. He fought to love. He found his peace.
Engraved on his stone:

"I knew love, love knew me. And when I walked, love walked with me."
-John Prine

A man that chose to stand up to his demons. I understand you more than ever... I wish I could have really known you, and understood how brave you were. I think we would have really gotten along now...

Today, ten years doesn't seem that long of a time.

These blank images confirm my most recent discovery. I thrive at pulling the meaning out of hard times. I know it's motivated by desperation, the longing we go through when we're trying to make sense of our hurt, but in these times I make sure to pull every bit of beauty of life. When life is good... when prayers are answered... I don't know.

I can't help wonder if I'm running from something.

I can fight the current, no matter how strong.
I can get back, No matter how far it might take me.
Then relax and let it sweep me away... gently drifting right over my over analyzing mind to a place that never mattered... down stream with the rest of the refuse that neither had the substance or strength to end up anywhere else.

The greatest fear isn't failing to find your direction. It's finding out everything you truly desire, then not being able to attain it.

Hope only comes from the truth. Unfortunately, as of late, the job of truth mostly hasn't been leading me to true desire as much as she has been showing me the impostor. I think this is my fault, but I'm learning. I've learned too much to ignore the direction, or to not take the next step. It's just so hard to hear her sometimes.

It's the desperation of the dissonance...
How the dirty envy the clean.
How the ugly see more beauty than the beautiful...
How the lonely crave a single voice, while the rest are not satisfied with the attention of a few.

I know that if I listen carefully, I will be able to hear.
I need you just as much today as I did yesterday... when tomorrow is a little better than today, I pray I still need you the same.

You're beautiful.