Entry 2

Rumblings are far more felt than heard and certainly never seen.
They come to you through the soles of your feet into the depth of your soul.
Only then do they open the eyes of your heart.
They speak of a shift that is about to take place.
-Mcmanus, Perils of Ayden.


As you stand, a seemingly insignificant gust of wind comes to you and tries to tell you a secret. You can't quite explain it, but you are somewhat consumed by the tranquility of your weakened state. The rhythm of your pulse tells you of a new song. A change of heart is taking place. The weakness that fought heavily against you now seems to befriend you.

The voices stand still as you take in the purity of the moment.
You relax and let the weight of your load fall wherever it wishes.
The thud of the ground makes you smile as it echo's through the desolate land.

The echo seems to thicken and intensify.
...
Both breathing and the beating of your heart stop simultaneously as you realize the echo is no echo at all. As if there were explosions in the distance, too far to tell of their power and reach. A force is coming. Your senses are both heightened and flustered as you don't know... where this force is coming from, where it is going, what it is... and most importantly, how to possibly react. You franticly look around to find some sort of answer or at least cover. Finding nothing you turn and stare in what seems to be the face of the force.

The atmosphere thickens as the pressure intensifies. You plant your feet firmly in the ground as to prepare for impact. Although it comes from outside, and from a clear direction, it also comes seems to come from within. As if this force awakens another inside you, stirring within the very core of your being. Was this force always within me, laying dormant? It too seems to prepare for impact with you.

For the first time the rumbling becomes audible and builds rapidly. Stronger and louder, your body shakes trying to hold its ground. You realize your senses useless to you. Your body consumed. Your ears overpowered. You decide to close your eyes as well... You don't need to see what is about to overtake you. Everything inside you screams, warring against this outside force, seemingly restricted only by a thin barrier of skin. It feels like the slightest movement could make you explode. Intensifying still...

Instantly the force is lifted. Silence pursues.

Veiny limbs try to relax as you take a moment to figure out your new reality. As far as you can tell you are fine, but something is very different. The atmosphere has shifted. You neither feel weak or strong, just heavier... or maybe lighter. You never imagined a presence so powerful. You did not know the capacity of the power inside you. But the part that brings you to your knees, is the connection that took place between the two.

Where do you go from here?
Staggered by an observation, this was merely foreshock.
You pull yourself up, and start walking in to this new world.

Your Darkest Eyes

No one else was ever half this beautiful.
No two hearts were ever half what ours was whole.
Whole.
Desperate like the rain on your midnight windowsill.
I said I love you,
And I know that’s what you meant.
I know that’s what you meant.

-Rocky Votolato

Even though I don't fully understand why, To me, this is one of the most beautiful images of love. Embedded with awe, overwhelmed with longing, yet coming from a heart that purely desires to give.

Entry 1

Standing up strait seems harder today than usual. Confused at the source of your weakness, you start the daunting task of attempting to bring yet another cloudy situation to light. Trying to connect the dots... assigning meaning... then assessing the situation. Conclusions seem to come quicker these days. Maybe it's because you're merely finding new names for the same fears... you acknowledge that possibility with a sigh. But what about this new dynamic? There is something different, and if that could be located, maybe breakthrough would occur. Then again, how can anything practical come out of trying to rationalize the irrational... You wonder if there is any tangible evidence that you can possibly come up with... and if so, can it really make you strong?

Your arms pulsate as weakness sets in. You feel yourself loosening your grip.

A question catches you off guard.
"Am I loosening my grip on that which upholds me? Or am I loosening my grip on that which holds me back?"

These days you are accustomed to having more questions than answers. They do not upset you, because you know they mean you no harm... they are simply trying to help you form or reform a reality in transition. You lose interest in the questions as your attention gets directed to the very pulse itself.

More powerful than before. It jumps through your entire being.
Relentlessly forcing itself through every corner of your body.
It speaks of the underpinnings of what is truly happening.
By far the most mysterious and peculiar part of your conversation.
Although it cannot be controlled or understood,
it tells you that there is more going on than what meets the eye.
Behind the scenes, in the most secret meetings, in the basement of your brain...
There is a force that is powerfully and strategically working day and night...
pushing you to live.

Comfort almost always comes in peculiar ways.
You stand as still as you possibly can...
you don't want to miss a single beat.

Amongst all the turmoil and confusion,
you have proof of life.

Like the pilgrim in regress, that cannot quite find the way home... cloudy images of a road once traveled seem to mock you. You neither want where you ended up, nor remember what you were running from. This moment takes a bite at your soul. Where do you go from here?

I stumbled on an observation about myself tonight. A life skill that I have, and often take for granted. Something so powerful, that many stumble where I will succeed. I have the ability to laugh at myself.

With little pride to hold on to... softened by failure and dysfunction... accustomed to grace... I have no problem laughing at myself and admitting, "Wow God, I really screwed the pouch on that one!"

One by one, my plans fail. My path is almost constantly being redirected, contrary to my plans... and it's perfect. I've never felt more free. I've never felt more human.

My conclusion => Loosely hold on to your plans, grip your values as tightly as you can.

Although I've proven that I can't successfully plan my life the way I want, I can take steps to become the person I am supposed to be. So why am I spending so much time planning, and so little time investing in myself? Dissecting the most intimate things of the heart... stripping away the veneer... finding what it at the core... then, working to bring what is at the core, to the surface.

So what do you value? Do you know what you're looking for?
Whatever it is, I truly hope you find it... but I have to warn you. There is a chance you can gain what you truly desire... you can gain your world as you see it right now, and in the end, still lose your soul.

Find out what your soul truly desires.
Intimacy, Destiny, Meaning...
Your soul craves God.

Ezekiel 36:26
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

This often seems like a cycle to me... and often, it seems like too much to bare. My heart always seems to be on the front lines. It gets beaten and calloused. Bitterness takes over, and the only defense of the heart is to build walls. Then God comes in, and starts breaking away the walls. The friction of the stones being ripped off... the mortar being broken... almost always brings me to my knees. In the end, revealing something so soft and pure, although weak and gasping for breath.

A heart of flesh.

The process leaves me in awe of His grace as throw myself at the feet of my healer. I'm always amazed by the capacity of a heart of flesh. The power to walk in love. To freely give. To uphold those that do not have the capacity to turn and uphold you. I meet God here, as I am amazed at how much my soft, vulnerable heart can give.
But before long, I find myself hurt... and the cycle repeats itself.

Maybe you're like me, maybe you're not. Maybe you've found the perfect distance as to how far down your sleeve, you should wear your heart. Not too close to keep people out... but not too far to protect it from potential hurt.
I haven't found this perfect distance... and I'm not even sure if it exists.

I want to stay soft. I want to be human. Respecting the power of love... how dangerous it really is... and completely essential to life itself.

My comfort comes from my healer and all the convictions that He has placed inside me. The essence of maturity, is placing those convictions over my emotions and feelings.

Philippians 1:9-11 Tells me that my love should abound, and with God this brings knowledge and discernment. That through openly loving, I can prove what is excellent, and sincerely give myself to that. The fruit that will come out of that will be pleasing to God, because it is righteous and pure.

This is a conviction of my heart, and it is more powerful than all the stress that my emotions can throw my way.

Lord, help me love. Your grace is amazing.

Gentle chastening presses up against me. It redirects my mind, carefully cutting, making room for the truth. Peace causes me to loosen my grip on my fears... just enough to hear love speak.

"It's not about time, as if I'm holding back from you. It's about the miracle that has both happened and is taking place. If you lose sight of that, time will do nothing for you. Never underestimate the power of walking in love. That power is in you, and your fears cower before it.

...Oh, and I'm proud of you."

A part of me wants to stay here forever. Never move. Enjoy the light I have now. But I hear the darkness moan as the light forcefully presses against it.

The sun is rising. I need to do go.

If the path of the upright is like the first gleam of dawn, shining brighter and brighter till the full light of day... then I'm afraid that I've milked this gleam for all it's worth. So where does that leave me? Waiting on the sun.

It's not as bad as I make it out to be...
I can be a little dramatic.

Sorry

Oh! That's where I left it. Good thing I found it, now I can take it with me everywhere I go. Right on.

At the very least, you are redeeming me to once again hope in what could be.
At the most... you could be everything.

These day are beautiful. I enjoy taking them in... but there is a new complexity to them. Different from before. I slow myself and stand in the midst. As everything races around me, the wind almost knocks me over. They aren't forceful. In fact, they're quite pure... too much beauty to take in. I get startled.

Of all the good that weighs heavily on me...
Of all the answers to desperate prayers...
Of all hope that has recently taken the place of despair.

I still find myself stopping.

"Father, I just want you to be proud of me... you're proud of me right?"

I don't ever want to place my hope what's going on around me... but at the same time I want to graciously accept all that You want to pour in to my life. I'm just scared of messing it up.

I take a few moments. I let truth in. Knowing that only You could have put me here, and that You have clearly placed me here to move forwards. Most importantly, you make me able.

I love you. I don't want to over analyze... I just want to stay close to You. I'm willing, You know I am... I just get scared.

All the affirmation I need is in You.