Entry 1

Standing up strait seems harder today than usual. Confused at the source of your weakness, you start the daunting task of attempting to bring yet another cloudy situation to light. Trying to connect the dots... assigning meaning... then assessing the situation. Conclusions seem to come quicker these days. Maybe it's because you're merely finding new names for the same fears... you acknowledge that possibility with a sigh. But what about this new dynamic? There is something different, and if that could be located, maybe breakthrough would occur. Then again, how can anything practical come out of trying to rationalize the irrational... You wonder if there is any tangible evidence that you can possibly come up with... and if so, can it really make you strong?

Your arms pulsate as weakness sets in. You feel yourself loosening your grip.

A question catches you off guard.
"Am I loosening my grip on that which upholds me? Or am I loosening my grip on that which holds me back?"

These days you are accustomed to having more questions than answers. They do not upset you, because you know they mean you no harm... they are simply trying to help you form or reform a reality in transition. You lose interest in the questions as your attention gets directed to the very pulse itself.

More powerful than before. It jumps through your entire being.
Relentlessly forcing itself through every corner of your body.
It speaks of the underpinnings of what is truly happening.
By far the most mysterious and peculiar part of your conversation.
Although it cannot be controlled or understood,
it tells you that there is more going on than what meets the eye.
Behind the scenes, in the most secret meetings, in the basement of your brain...
There is a force that is powerfully and strategically working day and night...
pushing you to live.

Comfort almost always comes in peculiar ways.
You stand as still as you possibly can...
you don't want to miss a single beat.

Amongst all the turmoil and confusion,
you have proof of life.