The downward emotion spiral triggered by unknown events has taken me down some strange paths. Each path seems to be connected with my present and some dark distant glow, too far to bring it in to focus. Even though I can't make out any kind of detail, I know what they are, and honestly they are quite intriguing. They pull me in and try to get me to answer their questions. Our past can be a lot to sort out, and has funny ways of demanding our attention.

Tonight things came in to focus. I'm accustomed to clarity being a humbling event, as clarity not only reveals something contrary to my expectations, but shows me that I wasn't even looking in the right direction when it came. My clarity came not from the past, but the aspirations of the future. If anything is worthy to be written, I feel this is it. For despite how others may perceive of me, this is the basis of my security... and I write to remember.

What defines me? What do I value? How do I love?
... How do I want to be loved?

Asking these questions have never made me feel more real. Self awareness can be beautifully reinforcing, but sometimes so rewarding that I loose sight of it's purpose. Self awareness should bring you closer to self actualization. It's in the application, or in the motion of life that we find our being. It's not enough to merely put the pieces together and make the puzzle fit... as rewarding as it is, you need to understand what the puzzles purpose is... then dream about what it could be. Awareness without aspiration is a lost cause whose gains will always be fleeting. The truth is that I have made mistakes, but I aspire to be more than I am. Love is never stagnant, and I live to love.

My conclusion: I spend too much time dissecting my reality, instead of focusing my energy to change my reality into what it should be.

This was partially inspired by a room full of beautiful people and life's subtle smirk at the simplicity of my problems solutions... I think the rest has been in the making for some time. Whatever the case, all these combined to tell me that love, real love, in action, is closer than I realize, should I reach out and grab it.

Some answers cannot be found internally... because they are one step away.

Make tomorrows answers better than todays.


I have a feeling that I'm going to have much to learn from my new big brother. If only I would fight half as hard as he is fighting right now...

Oh all those words I should not know, those doctors wrote on me.
Swell up and from their syllable, won’t let me get to sleep.
The sun will start late and clock out early,
And I’ll drive around and wait for it.
Fallow familiar roads, emptied of every memory,
under a sheet of silence and unmarked snow.

Then idle in some parking lot, smoke half a smoke and ask,
St. Boniface and St. Vital, “preserve me from my past.”
Repair our potholes, prevent plant closures
And if they remember me at all.
Make them remember me,
as more than a queer experiment,
more than a diagram in their quarterly.
Make them remember me.


-The Weakerthans,
Hymn of the medical oddity


I have a problem, but the tricky party is that it never looks like one. It’s like I’m so close to a new revelation that will tell me some secret and bring some light into my disarray. So I take one more step. Not realizing which direction I’m going, as long as it feels closer to my revelation. I keep moving, seemingly directionless, maybe even walking in circles. I get so enthralled with the searching, that I easily overlook the obvious, or simple, or sadly the beautiful answers that are calling out to me. Like an addict, that has his seemingly insatiable itch. He would spend all his days scratching at it, fully aware that it can never be satisfied. Then one day a real cure is offered. The only problem is that he is so used to the scratching, that he would rather itch then not.

The searching process keeps me soft, but I never want to exchange the truth for a lie. As priceless as these steps have been to me… the doors they have opened. I’ve opened up, and changed in so many ways, accepting that I’m often a late adopter on some things that I formerly judged.

So part of my problem is my recent enlightenment. Only really enlightened to the point of some self awareness of dysfunction and longing, but not enlightened enough to really know what to do about it… yet coming to grips with life’s tangles is beautifully liberating.

… Like that street I always avoided. Now I enjoy it. I’ve come to accept my mild infatuation. In fact, I’m okay with keeping it for a while. Even though I don’t know what to do with it.

…Or all the awkward connections of people moving in and out of our worlds. They bring an insecurity as you have to figure out why some left and others have entered… and the followings that those changes bring. The people we compare ourselves to as we replace some, then we ourselves get replaced.

… Or most of all, coming to grips with damage caused by this silly process of falling in and out of love. Getting hurt by someone, then turning around and hurting someone else, then watching the net expand as the process repeats itself.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a doctor and at the same time I’m a patient lying down on a bed in a hospital as I examine myself. I examine my patient, and ask him questions about both past injuries and illness. I answer the doctor questions by describing my lingering symptoms as well as new pains. I give my patient my diagnosis about the things still healing and my conclusions as to what these new symptoms might be. Drugs are prescribed and the appointment is adjourned.

I’m pretty accustomed to this process, but recently I’ve found a major flaw. I make a lousy doctor, and wholeness can only come from one physician. Life brings life, and healthy things grow. I’ve been arrogant. I’ve tried to fix myself. Awareness is a vital step, one that has brought indispensable change to my life. However, even if I do not always act on it, I believe that there is one author of life. He is light, and loves to heal. Through Him, love brings true revelation to light. Always healing, always restoring, redemption is still the same price it has always been, a simple declaration of your need for Him.

I need you now.

You speak of much heavier things than I remember. Maybe it's because I finally started to listen. I want you to know that I'm frustrated with you. No matter how hard we all try, we can't make you think of yourself because you're way too busy thinking of others. Even now, you tell me that the doctors gave you two years to live, and one of those years is spent. It used to bother me that you gave up your vision, but now I see that all you've done is focus it. You just need to sort out a few more things. Just a few more things to get done. Your energy is down to about 10%... and you'll spend every bit of it on your family.

We're all stressed out at how stubborn you are. We see you struggle, and want you to relax. But you're a man with a mission. Your body isn't helping much anymore, but it's your mission, and your body, and nobody can take that from you... and besides, you believe in so much more than what meets the eye.

I used to be frustrated with you, but one day, I hope I am the same.

"You need to take it easy, you don't have much life left in you."
"You don't understand, I can't rest now... I only have a little more to give."

Love resounds through the generations, at the same time, it starts fresh every time. You tell me that your addiction was the best thing that happened to you... you only lost 45 years, and after that, what you knew was priceless. I understand that now. What makes a man a man? I can't even get close to pin pointing that answer, but I know that it is some sort of integration of love and responsibility. That lesson always comes at a price. He paid it. He faced his demons.

Some things can't be passed down, only modeled.
I pray that this is never lost.

He was able to help my dad discover this for himself. Tim, I wish he was here to help you discover it for yourself. You're on the right track, and closer than you know. The fight ahead of you, is the most important battle you face... we couldn't be more proud of you. The generations echo that truth more than we your brothers could ever articulate.

If I could trace the line that ran,
between your smile and your slight of hand,
I'd guess that you put something up my sleeve.

-Josh Ritter

Although the connections may seem startling, the dots are just too hard to connect. I don't know how these lines got so tangled over the years... and it seems that as it became harder to make sense of them, confusion set in, and the lines began to break and fade in to thousands of dots... but the dots will never go away. It's amazing how it would take a life time of study to merely decipher a handful of years.

Love is never stagnant. The cool summer morning reminds me of the path traveled and the adventure that is taking place. I sit in my house, surrounded by things I've acquired or renovated. I think about my relationships, my investments, and my pending lawsuit. I've done more than many. However, I know that I will be giving up this treasure for a greater one. As the universe conspires to aid in my success, I know that I'm loved, and my legend will be one of love and sacrifice. Love is only in movement, for love cannot stay still.

As for the dots... I am at peace with them. They are not my enemy, yet befriending them has been one of the most rewarding challenges. They are a part of me, and they help me learn. I am who I am because of grace. The dots spell that out clearer than any line could ever articulate... because here I am.

Purely miraculous.
This intersection is divine.