Redefinition

The downward emotion spiral triggered by unknown events has taken me down some strange paths. Each path seems to be connected with my present and some dark distant glow, too far to bring it in to focus. Even though I can't make out any kind of detail, I know what they are, and honestly they are quite intriguing. They pull me in and try to get me to answer their questions. Our past can be a lot to sort out, and has funny ways of demanding our attention.

Tonight things came in to focus. I'm accustomed to clarity being a humbling event, as clarity not only reveals something contrary to my expectations, but shows me that I wasn't even looking in the right direction when it came. My clarity came not from the past, but the aspirations of the future. If anything is worthy to be written, I feel this is it. For despite how others may perceive of me, this is the basis of my security... and I write to remember.

What defines me? What do I value? How do I love?
... How do I want to be loved?

Asking these questions have never made me feel more real. Self awareness can be beautifully reinforcing, but sometimes so rewarding that I loose sight of it's purpose. Self awareness should bring you closer to self actualization. It's in the application, or in the motion of life that we find our being. It's not enough to merely put the pieces together and make the puzzle fit... as rewarding as it is, you need to understand what the puzzles purpose is... then dream about what it could be. Awareness without aspiration is a lost cause whose gains will always be fleeting. The truth is that I have made mistakes, but I aspire to be more than I am. Love is never stagnant, and I live to love.

My conclusion: I spend too much time dissecting my reality, instead of focusing my energy to change my reality into what it should be.

This was partially inspired by a room full of beautiful people and life's subtle smirk at the simplicity of my problems solutions... I think the rest has been in the making for some time. Whatever the case, all these combined to tell me that love, real love, in action, is closer than I realize, should I reach out and grab it.

Some answers cannot be found internally... because they are one step away.

Make tomorrows answers better than todays.


I have a feeling that I'm going to have much to learn from my new big brother. If only I would fight half as hard as he is fighting right now...