A question that I try too hard not to ask: "What if I'm not as strong as you think I am?"
Maybe it's the look and the encouraging answer that would be sure to follow, that I'm not sure I want to hear... but it's comforting to know that I'm the one that needs convincing, not you.
So what do I need? Time? I don't think so. I think it's more so that I don't think about what I need enough. In my defense, it's usually because I'm too consumed with others needs. In your defense, I also get distracted way too easily.
There isn't time to go through every distracting trade-off. The reality is that things I love keep me from the things I love more. Damn this ridiculously positive disposition of mine... I swear I could make a killing selling my excess serotonin. Damn it Teej, that's not the point. Focus!
The answer isn't in the trade-off, it's actually surprisingly similar to the plan. The connection isn't in logistics, it's in the word. The word is 'companionship', and it doesn't represent a trade-off, it represents a balance of everything I love. It represents who I am.
Please love my thoughts, so I can explore them all with you.
I love you.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Heart of Gold
Before a single word was sung, I was already there. Overwhelmed with sorrow, walking down that red carpeted isle. I couldn't remember if it was in front of me, or behind. You put your arm around me, and told me to "be strong". This was the most affection you've ever shown me, and perhaps the only affection. It felt good, even though I had never been so sad.
I shake myself out of this moment, back to reality, but I'm drawn back in because I have to remember. I force myself to walk the isle again, I have to know, was he in front or behind me. I remember now, the procession was in front. I followed. I couldn't take it. At the end of the isle, we saw him for the last time. I won't ever allow myself to forget that day. I just wish that, in our last memory of him, that he would have been standing. I know you wish the same.
I find it truly fascinating how life can take such sharp turns at such high speeds. How did I get here? I ask that question often, perhaps because I keep moving. I think I fall in to the trap of trying to make sense of my present by analyzing the path of my past. The problem is that the path only exists when you look backwards. As we move, we are ever laying new pieces of path behind us, but in looking forward we see no path. It is said that the past works only by addition, because the only function you can do to it is add. But there is a million functions for the future, because nothing is fixed. However, despite how random life is, momentum seems to persist.
It's like driving in a car on the highway, and car starts accelerating and then maintains a speed of about 200km/hour, then after a few minutes slows back down to 100. The reduced speed feels painfully slow, it feels as if you could step out of the vehicle and walk beside it. Life is mundane, seemingly pointless, without progress. It only takes one moment, one crash, and life stops. In only takes one moment to see how delicate life is, and how powerful its motion.
So ten years later, I look back at the ground I've covered. Many painful turns were taken to get here... none as painful as that one. It's that one turn that brings us back to that "heart of gold". Will we ever find it, or more importantly, will our hearts ever compare to his. Ten years later I think about your words, telling me to "be strong," and what that really means. Over the years, I've learned a few things, and I can only hope that you will learn them too. I've learned that being stereotypically "strong", looks more like becoming hard, and takes very little strength at all. You don't need to be strong to protect yourself, you need to be strong to stay true to yourself and let people in. Being strong is to allowing oneself to be weak and vulnerable, and it is required to love and give. When true love reveals itself, it is in ones capacity to be weak that will determine the strength of the bond. This is where my strength is tested, and I cannot be certain, but I'm pretty sure that this is the only way a "heart of gold" can reveal itself.
I shake myself out of this moment, back to reality, but I'm drawn back in because I have to remember. I force myself to walk the isle again, I have to know, was he in front or behind me. I remember now, the procession was in front. I followed. I couldn't take it. At the end of the isle, we saw him for the last time. I won't ever allow myself to forget that day. I just wish that, in our last memory of him, that he would have been standing. I know you wish the same.
I find it truly fascinating how life can take such sharp turns at such high speeds. How did I get here? I ask that question often, perhaps because I keep moving. I think I fall in to the trap of trying to make sense of my present by analyzing the path of my past. The problem is that the path only exists when you look backwards. As we move, we are ever laying new pieces of path behind us, but in looking forward we see no path. It is said that the past works only by addition, because the only function you can do to it is add. But there is a million functions for the future, because nothing is fixed. However, despite how random life is, momentum seems to persist.
It's like driving in a car on the highway, and car starts accelerating and then maintains a speed of about 200km/hour, then after a few minutes slows back down to 100. The reduced speed feels painfully slow, it feels as if you could step out of the vehicle and walk beside it. Life is mundane, seemingly pointless, without progress. It only takes one moment, one crash, and life stops. In only takes one moment to see how delicate life is, and how powerful its motion.
So ten years later, I look back at the ground I've covered. Many painful turns were taken to get here... none as painful as that one. It's that one turn that brings us back to that "heart of gold". Will we ever find it, or more importantly, will our hearts ever compare to his. Ten years later I think about your words, telling me to "be strong," and what that really means. Over the years, I've learned a few things, and I can only hope that you will learn them too. I've learned that being stereotypically "strong", looks more like becoming hard, and takes very little strength at all. You don't need to be strong to protect yourself, you need to be strong to stay true to yourself and let people in. Being strong is to allowing oneself to be weak and vulnerable, and it is required to love and give. When true love reveals itself, it is in ones capacity to be weak that will determine the strength of the bond. This is where my strength is tested, and I cannot be certain, but I'm pretty sure that this is the only way a "heart of gold" can reveal itself.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
"Water under the bridge is never coming back."
-Josh Ritter
I can't help but imagine an intersection. A place where roads meet and people interact. We are all constantly crossing each others paths, but this intersection is different. In this exact intersection, we understand, we forgive, and we embrace. After we cross this intersection we embark on a different path. A path that is a little lighter than the one before. Void of bitterness, void of anxiety and hurt towards the other individual. The new path is one traveled in love, and love never fails.
The problem is that I don't know the name of the street you should be on. I'm not even confident that I'm on the right street. All these streets look alike. In fact, I know that some streets will take me to where I want to go faster than the streets that will most likely bring me to this intersection with you.
So I weigh my values on a scale. What do I value? You should be able to tell by now, that this isn't simply a matter of logistics. The question is really, how many steps am I willing to take in a direction that might not benefit me, to have a healthy relationship with you?
I know that this demands trust. That means to trust that you will find that road, and find me. This is might not be realistic, but if I truly love, than I will be pushed to trust. I also know that a healthy relationship demands respect. This can be much more difficult, because as trust is a bi-product of love, respect a reflection of direction... and your life might be a train wreck, which makes respect hard. However, healthy relationships also demand grace and empathy, which make respect possible.
So let me be honest. I believe that there is something good inside you. Something so beautifully soft and human that longs for the most pure things. You might have tried to satisfy those longings with impostors, and those impostors might have led you to a place that you don't want to be. The regress will be painful, and might seem impossible. But I wonder, would it help you get there if you knew that I trusted you? If you knew that I respected you and have empathy for your story?
I want to find that intersection that restores relationships. I want to find the path that brings people back in to healthy community. A bridge where we could meet and watch the water pass by beneath us, knowing that it will never come back. That is where I want us to meet, because our roads might not be that different after all.
-Josh Ritter
I can't help but imagine an intersection. A place where roads meet and people interact. We are all constantly crossing each others paths, but this intersection is different. In this exact intersection, we understand, we forgive, and we embrace. After we cross this intersection we embark on a different path. A path that is a little lighter than the one before. Void of bitterness, void of anxiety and hurt towards the other individual. The new path is one traveled in love, and love never fails.
The problem is that I don't know the name of the street you should be on. I'm not even confident that I'm on the right street. All these streets look alike. In fact, I know that some streets will take me to where I want to go faster than the streets that will most likely bring me to this intersection with you.
So I weigh my values on a scale. What do I value? You should be able to tell by now, that this isn't simply a matter of logistics. The question is really, how many steps am I willing to take in a direction that might not benefit me, to have a healthy relationship with you?
I know that this demands trust. That means to trust that you will find that road, and find me. This is might not be realistic, but if I truly love, than I will be pushed to trust. I also know that a healthy relationship demands respect. This can be much more difficult, because as trust is a bi-product of love, respect a reflection of direction... and your life might be a train wreck, which makes respect hard. However, healthy relationships also demand grace and empathy, which make respect possible.
So let me be honest. I believe that there is something good inside you. Something so beautifully soft and human that longs for the most pure things. You might have tried to satisfy those longings with impostors, and those impostors might have led you to a place that you don't want to be. The regress will be painful, and might seem impossible. But I wonder, would it help you get there if you knew that I trusted you? If you knew that I respected you and have empathy for your story?
I want to find that intersection that restores relationships. I want to find the path that brings people back in to healthy community. A bridge where we could meet and watch the water pass by beneath us, knowing that it will never come back. That is where I want us to meet, because our roads might not be that different after all.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Maybe you’re like me. At times pushed to the point of torment with the burden of trying to make sense out of life. Most of the time the puzzle seems absurd. I know that I don’t have all the pieces, but still, the gaps can be overwhelming. Yet I know that somehow it all fits together. So I fumble along, trying to gain perspective into the purpose of my life.
Although I’m accustomed to this struggle, lately I do not feel qualified to ask such questions. I think of Stephen Hawking, debatably the greatest mind of the day. His conclusion to my questions is that we are indeed created by design, but because there is no possible way to know what purpose are creator designed us for, we might as well be an evolutionary accident without meaning. I feel if there is any genius within me, it cannot compare to his. Therefore, who am I to believe that I can possibly come to any other conclusion?
Yet I am pressed to believe differently. I wonder if Hawking has fallen in to the same curse as Herman Hess’s Siddhartha. A brilliant mind, that set out to satisfy a seemingly insatiable desire for wholeness. His mind was sharp, and the intensity of his searching could not be matched by any other. He spent most of his life in vain, building both treasure and understanding, in attempts to satisfy his craving. He boasted about how his life was like a rock falling through the water, always finding the fastest way, while others drift slowly to the bottom. In the end, it was through walking away from all he had gained to find his nirvana. When another pilgrim searching for peace found him, and asked him secret to his peace, his response was something like this, “your problem is exactly what you are doing, searching. When you search intently for something, you are only looking for one thing.” The reality is that it doesn’t matter how fast you can go, if you’re going in the wrong direction, it is the slower people who are in the lead. I can’t say for sure, maybe Hawking will find his nirvana through exhaustive calculations and quantum physics in the end, but I think he might have to walk away from his current path and pursue a new direction to find his peace.
I think it is amazing how great minds are humbled in their lack of wholeness. How men like Stephen Hawking feel the need to embark on a spiritual journey. In doing so, that admit that even though they have learned most things, but they have not learned what is most important. They have gained their world and now face losing their soul, so they change course.
What presses me forward is the invested dignity in being called to sonship. I feel like this is my only qualifier for attempting these thoughts. I believe with Hawking that we were created by design, but I also believe we were created in His image. When an artist creates something in his image, we can say it is like him, but not identical. However, I believe that the creator was not satisfied for us to be merely in his likeness, so he sent us his identical. For what is created by the artists hands cannot be identical, only what is begotten can be identical. The creator sent His son. Although our side of the offer was weakened, the covenant was strengthened, and dignity was extended.
Although I feel almost completely ignorant of these things, and I don’t know exactly what my purpose of being here is, I know I am created with love and intent. Although I can’t fully know him, I know He is good, and in His likeness good satisfies me more than evil. I also know that I betray His image and likeness with evil, and yet He extends me sonship, He extends me grace. What is more, I know that I need my creator, and even though He created me with purpose, He does not need me as I need Him. In fact, I can’t be sure He needs me at all. He is with me. Why is He with me? The grace involved is staggering, and He pursues further. Knowing this unreciprocated relationship is based entirely on grace, it makes it easy for me to love my creator. I truly hope I have something of value to give to Him.
So I think. My consciousness slurred by both arrogance and inadequacy. There is another voice. One that tells me that the answers I seek are not in consciousness alone, and that consciousness stems from the heart. Just as I must intellectually deduct meaning from breaking down my reality, so my heart must also be broken. For the voice told me a secret, that the answers I seek lie both outside, and within. The outside demands you understand the world, while all the inside requires a humble, soft heart that sets out to understand oneself. I’m not sure what is more difficult. Like Kant, I want those two things to consume me. I want that to be my fascination – The stary host above, and the moral code within.
I know that my nirvana doesn’t lie in one thing, but a dynamic of my world around me, and all that is within me, moving in perfect harmony in relation to my creator. Although this sounds unachievable, and it might very well be, I get these moments that tell me differently. These moments are so rich, that it seems like the whole universe is conspiring together to tell me that I am loved and that everything makes sense. These moments can seem fleeting, but I found the link between them. The task of making sense of all things is impossible, however, there is one name that encompasses all things. One name that brings order to the disarray of my universe. One name that brings me peace.
Thank you Jesus.
Although I’m accustomed to this struggle, lately I do not feel qualified to ask such questions. I think of Stephen Hawking, debatably the greatest mind of the day. His conclusion to my questions is that we are indeed created by design, but because there is no possible way to know what purpose are creator designed us for, we might as well be an evolutionary accident without meaning. I feel if there is any genius within me, it cannot compare to his. Therefore, who am I to believe that I can possibly come to any other conclusion?
Yet I am pressed to believe differently. I wonder if Hawking has fallen in to the same curse as Herman Hess’s Siddhartha. A brilliant mind, that set out to satisfy a seemingly insatiable desire for wholeness. His mind was sharp, and the intensity of his searching could not be matched by any other. He spent most of his life in vain, building both treasure and understanding, in attempts to satisfy his craving. He boasted about how his life was like a rock falling through the water, always finding the fastest way, while others drift slowly to the bottom. In the end, it was through walking away from all he had gained to find his nirvana. When another pilgrim searching for peace found him, and asked him secret to his peace, his response was something like this, “your problem is exactly what you are doing, searching. When you search intently for something, you are only looking for one thing.” The reality is that it doesn’t matter how fast you can go, if you’re going in the wrong direction, it is the slower people who are in the lead. I can’t say for sure, maybe Hawking will find his nirvana through exhaustive calculations and quantum physics in the end, but I think he might have to walk away from his current path and pursue a new direction to find his peace.
I think it is amazing how great minds are humbled in their lack of wholeness. How men like Stephen Hawking feel the need to embark on a spiritual journey. In doing so, that admit that even though they have learned most things, but they have not learned what is most important. They have gained their world and now face losing their soul, so they change course.
What presses me forward is the invested dignity in being called to sonship. I feel like this is my only qualifier for attempting these thoughts. I believe with Hawking that we were created by design, but I also believe we were created in His image. When an artist creates something in his image, we can say it is like him, but not identical. However, I believe that the creator was not satisfied for us to be merely in his likeness, so he sent us his identical. For what is created by the artists hands cannot be identical, only what is begotten can be identical. The creator sent His son. Although our side of the offer was weakened, the covenant was strengthened, and dignity was extended.
Although I feel almost completely ignorant of these things, and I don’t know exactly what my purpose of being here is, I know I am created with love and intent. Although I can’t fully know him, I know He is good, and in His likeness good satisfies me more than evil. I also know that I betray His image and likeness with evil, and yet He extends me sonship, He extends me grace. What is more, I know that I need my creator, and even though He created me with purpose, He does not need me as I need Him. In fact, I can’t be sure He needs me at all. He is with me. Why is He with me? The grace involved is staggering, and He pursues further. Knowing this unreciprocated relationship is based entirely on grace, it makes it easy for me to love my creator. I truly hope I have something of value to give to Him.
So I think. My consciousness slurred by both arrogance and inadequacy. There is another voice. One that tells me that the answers I seek are not in consciousness alone, and that consciousness stems from the heart. Just as I must intellectually deduct meaning from breaking down my reality, so my heart must also be broken. For the voice told me a secret, that the answers I seek lie both outside, and within. The outside demands you understand the world, while all the inside requires a humble, soft heart that sets out to understand oneself. I’m not sure what is more difficult. Like Kant, I want those two things to consume me. I want that to be my fascination – The stary host above, and the moral code within.
I know that my nirvana doesn’t lie in one thing, but a dynamic of my world around me, and all that is within me, moving in perfect harmony in relation to my creator. Although this sounds unachievable, and it might very well be, I get these moments that tell me differently. These moments are so rich, that it seems like the whole universe is conspiring together to tell me that I am loved and that everything makes sense. These moments can seem fleeting, but I found the link between them. The task of making sense of all things is impossible, however, there is one name that encompasses all things. One name that brings order to the disarray of my universe. One name that brings me peace.
Thank you Jesus.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
"I don't have many questions,
that you cannot answer.
I'm kinda simple that way."
Josh Ritter.
And so I walk down a another street unsatisfied. Despite recent disappointments, I find another restaurant close by. This one is fancier, offering a much more elaborate menu. I briefly wait in the entrance before I am seated and a menu is placed before me.
I am approached by a waiter, and I patiently wait as he rattles off his memorized list of specials. The list is exhaustive and it's hard to keep my pose. I want to be polite and let him finish. But I have to be honest with myself, I really only have one thing on my mind, and I knew it before the waiter even opened his mouth...
What I want isn't on the menu, as least not today.
In the end, to his disappointment, I tell him that I'm fine and a coffee will do.
The reality is that I am fine. I might even be great. Life has once again taken some strange paths and led me to an intersection so peculiarly 'right' that it has to be divine. I feel as if I moving away from months of searching because I've had some strange encounter with truth. A new struggle emerges as I need to let go of some of the 'unknowns' in my life, and once again accept something concrete. Not that I fully understand what this transition means, but one thing I do know is that spiritually, I'm moving in a different direction because I have been confronted by the truth.
For all this, I am very thankful. In the midst of this I express my discontent... it's not that I'm unhappy with life, it's just that sometimes, I really want someone to share it with... but if it's not on the menu, there isn't much i can do but enjoy my coffee.
Thanks for reading.
that you cannot answer.
I'm kinda simple that way."
Josh Ritter.
And so I walk down a another street unsatisfied. Despite recent disappointments, I find another restaurant close by. This one is fancier, offering a much more elaborate menu. I briefly wait in the entrance before I am seated and a menu is placed before me.
I am approached by a waiter, and I patiently wait as he rattles off his memorized list of specials. The list is exhaustive and it's hard to keep my pose. I want to be polite and let him finish. But I have to be honest with myself, I really only have one thing on my mind, and I knew it before the waiter even opened his mouth...
What I want isn't on the menu, as least not today.
In the end, to his disappointment, I tell him that I'm fine and a coffee will do.
The reality is that I am fine. I might even be great. Life has once again taken some strange paths and led me to an intersection so peculiarly 'right' that it has to be divine. I feel as if I moving away from months of searching because I've had some strange encounter with truth. A new struggle emerges as I need to let go of some of the 'unknowns' in my life, and once again accept something concrete. Not that I fully understand what this transition means, but one thing I do know is that spiritually, I'm moving in a different direction because I have been confronted by the truth.
For all this, I am very thankful. In the midst of this I express my discontent... it's not that I'm unhappy with life, it's just that sometimes, I really want someone to share it with... but if it's not on the menu, there isn't much i can do but enjoy my coffee.
Thanks for reading.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Life gets hard. Love can be brutal... Change is necessary. Logical deduction causes us to sit back and weigh out the pros and cons, and make a decision... then face confusion head on as our stomach turns and mind races. Good decisions don't always cut that string attached to a switch, wired to the heart, ready to be pulled. When abruptly triggered, it causes the heart to miss just one beat... which is just enough to bring you spiraling back to that exact moment when you carefully placed all those pros and cons on to the scale... and you can't help but wonder if the scale was off.
I think our logic is off, and it leaves us uncertain.
"I made the right decision, right?"
Maybe we could benefit from the logic of the economist. That we derive value, based not simply on pros and cons, but on scarcity and real cost. That a resources value is based on how renewable, hard to find, how limited it is, and if there are any close substitutes. Then on top of that, the real cost of time and energy involved in the searching for this resource. If you think of life that way, I'm pretty sure you'll find that love is more scarce than anticipated, and grossly undervalued. Even the most tainted of loves... the most dysfunctional... if there is any true substance of love, any morsel, then the value is undefined... because the real cost of healing is always underestimated, and you can never get it back, but instead you hope for a better close substitute. One that is a little more sustainable.
Thinking of things like this, and of addiction, disturbs me. What makes me think of these kinds of things? What binds people to an insatiable itch. An itch they can never scratch enough. They scratch away, just to try to feel normal, or to feel nothing. The goal is always to try to get back to a point where life made sense, and everything was okay.
I think this is kinda what Jesus was talking about when He spoke about the faith like a child. How peace comes from the simplicity of true acceptance in things greater than us, and how little control we have. Taking life and love at face value, with no need to doubt. Pure love. Pure joy. Pure laughter. Pure trust. Not ignorant, but beautifully aware, that uncertainty is okay, because love is real and underlines everything you know.
I think that at some point we all lose the magic of youth. Then most people spend the rest of their lives trying to get back to that beautiful simplicity... where it was so easy to love and laugh and trust and share and play. Some turn to substances, others to intellect and arts... then down the road they trade those for materialistic ambitions... where midlife crisis's are inevitable, as true values are never achieved, and they only get fuzzier and less defined... more confusing and complicated.
In all my searching, I've seen much beauty, and know of a cure. I wish I could stand at street corners and hand it out to everyone... but sometimes it's such a large pill to swallow. Even for myself, as it truly means giving up, letting go... raising your hands to someone much bigger than yourself, and believing that they will pick you up... and make you able to love, trust, and laugh.
I'm not sure what it will take for you to believe in yourself. I know you feel that the cost of change was grossly misrepresented, I understand that. Even if the next steps don't lighten up, trust me, the ones after that will make it all worth while.
Simplicity of heart is on its way.
Truth brings beauty to the motion of life.
I pray that you keep letting the truth in,
and get a glimpse of how beautiful you are.
love
I think our logic is off, and it leaves us uncertain.
"I made the right decision, right?"
Maybe we could benefit from the logic of the economist. That we derive value, based not simply on pros and cons, but on scarcity and real cost. That a resources value is based on how renewable, hard to find, how limited it is, and if there are any close substitutes. Then on top of that, the real cost of time and energy involved in the searching for this resource. If you think of life that way, I'm pretty sure you'll find that love is more scarce than anticipated, and grossly undervalued. Even the most tainted of loves... the most dysfunctional... if there is any true substance of love, any morsel, then the value is undefined... because the real cost of healing is always underestimated, and you can never get it back, but instead you hope for a better close substitute. One that is a little more sustainable.
Thinking of things like this, and of addiction, disturbs me. What makes me think of these kinds of things? What binds people to an insatiable itch. An itch they can never scratch enough. They scratch away, just to try to feel normal, or to feel nothing. The goal is always to try to get back to a point where life made sense, and everything was okay.
I think this is kinda what Jesus was talking about when He spoke about the faith like a child. How peace comes from the simplicity of true acceptance in things greater than us, and how little control we have. Taking life and love at face value, with no need to doubt. Pure love. Pure joy. Pure laughter. Pure trust. Not ignorant, but beautifully aware, that uncertainty is okay, because love is real and underlines everything you know.
I think that at some point we all lose the magic of youth. Then most people spend the rest of their lives trying to get back to that beautiful simplicity... where it was so easy to love and laugh and trust and share and play. Some turn to substances, others to intellect and arts... then down the road they trade those for materialistic ambitions... where midlife crisis's are inevitable, as true values are never achieved, and they only get fuzzier and less defined... more confusing and complicated.
In all my searching, I've seen much beauty, and know of a cure. I wish I could stand at street corners and hand it out to everyone... but sometimes it's such a large pill to swallow. Even for myself, as it truly means giving up, letting go... raising your hands to someone much bigger than yourself, and believing that they will pick you up... and make you able to love, trust, and laugh.
I'm not sure what it will take for you to believe in yourself. I know you feel that the cost of change was grossly misrepresented, I understand that. Even if the next steps don't lighten up, trust me, the ones after that will make it all worth while.
Simplicity of heart is on its way.
Truth brings beauty to the motion of life.
I pray that you keep letting the truth in,
and get a glimpse of how beautiful you are.
love
Sunday, May 25, 2008
The downward emotion spiral triggered by unknown events has taken me down some strange paths. Each path seems to be connected with my present and some dark distant glow, too far to bring it in to focus. Even though I can't make out any kind of detail, I know what they are, and honestly they are quite intriguing. They pull me in and try to get me to answer their questions. Our past can be a lot to sort out, and has funny ways of demanding our attention.
Tonight things came in to focus. I'm accustomed to clarity being a humbling event, as clarity not only reveals something contrary to my expectations, but shows me that I wasn't even looking in the right direction when it came. My clarity came not from the past, but the aspirations of the future. If anything is worthy to be written, I feel this is it. For despite how others may perceive of me, this is the basis of my security... and I write to remember.
What defines me? What do I value? How do I love?
... How do I want to be loved?
Asking these questions have never made me feel more real. Self awareness can be beautifully reinforcing, but sometimes so rewarding that I loose sight of it's purpose. Self awareness should bring you closer to self actualization. It's in the application, or in the motion of life that we find our being. It's not enough to merely put the pieces together and make the puzzle fit... as rewarding as it is, you need to understand what the puzzles purpose is... then dream about what it could be. Awareness without aspiration is a lost cause whose gains will always be fleeting. The truth is that I have made mistakes, but I aspire to be more than I am. Love is never stagnant, and I live to love.
My conclusion: I spend too much time dissecting my reality, instead of focusing my energy to change my reality into what it should be.
This was partially inspired by a room full of beautiful people and life's subtle smirk at the simplicity of my problems solutions... I think the rest has been in the making for some time. Whatever the case, all these combined to tell me that love, real love, in action, is closer than I realize, should I reach out and grab it.
Some answers cannot be found internally... because they are one step away.
Make tomorrows answers better than todays.
I have a feeling that I'm going to have much to learn from my new big brother. If only I would fight half as hard as he is fighting right now...
Tonight things came in to focus. I'm accustomed to clarity being a humbling event, as clarity not only reveals something contrary to my expectations, but shows me that I wasn't even looking in the right direction when it came. My clarity came not from the past, but the aspirations of the future. If anything is worthy to be written, I feel this is it. For despite how others may perceive of me, this is the basis of my security... and I write to remember.
What defines me? What do I value? How do I love?
... How do I want to be loved?
Asking these questions have never made me feel more real. Self awareness can be beautifully reinforcing, but sometimes so rewarding that I loose sight of it's purpose. Self awareness should bring you closer to self actualization. It's in the application, or in the motion of life that we find our being. It's not enough to merely put the pieces together and make the puzzle fit... as rewarding as it is, you need to understand what the puzzles purpose is... then dream about what it could be. Awareness without aspiration is a lost cause whose gains will always be fleeting. The truth is that I have made mistakes, but I aspire to be more than I am. Love is never stagnant, and I live to love.
My conclusion: I spend too much time dissecting my reality, instead of focusing my energy to change my reality into what it should be.
This was partially inspired by a room full of beautiful people and life's subtle smirk at the simplicity of my problems solutions... I think the rest has been in the making for some time. Whatever the case, all these combined to tell me that love, real love, in action, is closer than I realize, should I reach out and grab it.
Some answers cannot be found internally... because they are one step away.
Make tomorrows answers better than todays.
I have a feeling that I'm going to have much to learn from my new big brother. If only I would fight half as hard as he is fighting right now...
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Oh all those words I should not know, those doctors wrote on me.
Swell up and from their syllable, won’t let me get to sleep.
The sun will start late and clock out early,
And I’ll drive around and wait for it.
Fallow familiar roads, emptied of every memory,
under a sheet of silence and unmarked snow.
Then idle in some parking lot, smoke half a smoke and ask,
St. Boniface and St. Vital, “preserve me from my past.”
Repair our potholes, prevent plant closures
And if they remember me at all.
Make them remember me,
as more than a queer experiment,
more than a diagram in their quarterly.
Make them remember me.
-The Weakerthans,
Hymn of the medical oddity
I have a problem, but the tricky party is that it never looks like one. It’s like I’m so close to a new revelation that will tell me some secret and bring some light into my disarray. So I take one more step. Not realizing which direction I’m going, as long as it feels closer to my revelation. I keep moving, seemingly directionless, maybe even walking in circles. I get so enthralled with the searching, that I easily overlook the obvious, or simple, or sadly the beautiful answers that are calling out to me. Like an addict, that has his seemingly insatiable itch. He would spend all his days scratching at it, fully aware that it can never be satisfied. Then one day a real cure is offered. The only problem is that he is so used to the scratching, that he would rather itch then not.
The searching process keeps me soft, but I never want to exchange the truth for a lie. As priceless as these steps have been to me… the doors they have opened. I’ve opened up, and changed in so many ways, accepting that I’m often a late adopter on some things that I formerly judged.
So part of my problem is my recent enlightenment. Only really enlightened to the point of some self awareness of dysfunction and longing, but not enlightened enough to really know what to do about it… yet coming to grips with life’s tangles is beautifully liberating.
… Like that street I always avoided. Now I enjoy it. I’ve come to accept my mild infatuation. In fact, I’m okay with keeping it for a while. Even though I don’t know what to do with it.
…Or all the awkward connections of people moving in and out of our worlds. They bring an insecurity as you have to figure out why some left and others have entered… and the followings that those changes bring. The people we compare ourselves to as we replace some, then we ourselves get replaced.
… Or most of all, coming to grips with damage caused by this silly process of falling in and out of love. Getting hurt by someone, then turning around and hurting someone else, then watching the net expand as the process repeats itself.
Sometimes I feel like I’m a doctor and at the same time I’m a patient lying down on a bed in a hospital as I examine myself. I examine my patient, and ask him questions about both past injuries and illness. I answer the doctor questions by describing my lingering symptoms as well as new pains. I give my patient my diagnosis about the things still healing and my conclusions as to what these new symptoms might be. Drugs are prescribed and the appointment is adjourned.
I’m pretty accustomed to this process, but recently I’ve found a major flaw. I make a lousy doctor, and wholeness can only come from one physician. Life brings life, and healthy things grow. I’ve been arrogant. I’ve tried to fix myself. Awareness is a vital step, one that has brought indispensable change to my life. However, even if I do not always act on it, I believe that there is one author of life. He is light, and loves to heal. Through Him, love brings true revelation to light. Always healing, always restoring, redemption is still the same price it has always been, a simple declaration of your need for Him.
I need you now.
Swell up and from their syllable, won’t let me get to sleep.
The sun will start late and clock out early,
And I’ll drive around and wait for it.
Fallow familiar roads, emptied of every memory,
under a sheet of silence and unmarked snow.
Then idle in some parking lot, smoke half a smoke and ask,
St. Boniface and St. Vital, “preserve me from my past.”
Repair our potholes, prevent plant closures
And if they remember me at all.
Make them remember me,
as more than a queer experiment,
more than a diagram in their quarterly.
Make them remember me.
-The Weakerthans,
Hymn of the medical oddity
I have a problem, but the tricky party is that it never looks like one. It’s like I’m so close to a new revelation that will tell me some secret and bring some light into my disarray. So I take one more step. Not realizing which direction I’m going, as long as it feels closer to my revelation. I keep moving, seemingly directionless, maybe even walking in circles. I get so enthralled with the searching, that I easily overlook the obvious, or simple, or sadly the beautiful answers that are calling out to me. Like an addict, that has his seemingly insatiable itch. He would spend all his days scratching at it, fully aware that it can never be satisfied. Then one day a real cure is offered. The only problem is that he is so used to the scratching, that he would rather itch then not.
The searching process keeps me soft, but I never want to exchange the truth for a lie. As priceless as these steps have been to me… the doors they have opened. I’ve opened up, and changed in so many ways, accepting that I’m often a late adopter on some things that I formerly judged.
So part of my problem is my recent enlightenment. Only really enlightened to the point of some self awareness of dysfunction and longing, but not enlightened enough to really know what to do about it… yet coming to grips with life’s tangles is beautifully liberating.
… Like that street I always avoided. Now I enjoy it. I’ve come to accept my mild infatuation. In fact, I’m okay with keeping it for a while. Even though I don’t know what to do with it.
…Or all the awkward connections of people moving in and out of our worlds. They bring an insecurity as you have to figure out why some left and others have entered… and the followings that those changes bring. The people we compare ourselves to as we replace some, then we ourselves get replaced.
… Or most of all, coming to grips with damage caused by this silly process of falling in and out of love. Getting hurt by someone, then turning around and hurting someone else, then watching the net expand as the process repeats itself.
Sometimes I feel like I’m a doctor and at the same time I’m a patient lying down on a bed in a hospital as I examine myself. I examine my patient, and ask him questions about both past injuries and illness. I answer the doctor questions by describing my lingering symptoms as well as new pains. I give my patient my diagnosis about the things still healing and my conclusions as to what these new symptoms might be. Drugs are prescribed and the appointment is adjourned.
I’m pretty accustomed to this process, but recently I’ve found a major flaw. I make a lousy doctor, and wholeness can only come from one physician. Life brings life, and healthy things grow. I’ve been arrogant. I’ve tried to fix myself. Awareness is a vital step, one that has brought indispensable change to my life. However, even if I do not always act on it, I believe that there is one author of life. He is light, and loves to heal. Through Him, love brings true revelation to light. Always healing, always restoring, redemption is still the same price it has always been, a simple declaration of your need for Him.
I need you now.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
You speak of much heavier things than I remember. Maybe it's because I finally started to listen. I want you to know that I'm frustrated with you. No matter how hard we all try, we can't make you think of yourself because you're way too busy thinking of others. Even now, you tell me that the doctors gave you two years to live, and one of those years is spent. It used to bother me that you gave up your vision, but now I see that all you've done is focus it. You just need to sort out a few more things. Just a few more things to get done. Your energy is down to about 10%... and you'll spend every bit of it on your family.
We're all stressed out at how stubborn you are. We see you struggle, and want you to relax. But you're a man with a mission. Your body isn't helping much anymore, but it's your mission, and your body, and nobody can take that from you... and besides, you believe in so much more than what meets the eye.
I used to be frustrated with you, but one day, I hope I am the same.
"You need to take it easy, you don't have much life left in you."
"You don't understand, I can't rest now... I only have a little more to give."
Love resounds through the generations, at the same time, it starts fresh every time. You tell me that your addiction was the best thing that happened to you... you only lost 45 years, and after that, what you knew was priceless. I understand that now. What makes a man a man? I can't even get close to pin pointing that answer, but I know that it is some sort of integration of love and responsibility. That lesson always comes at a price. He paid it. He faced his demons.
Some things can't be passed down, only modeled.
I pray that this is never lost.
He was able to help my dad discover this for himself. Tim, I wish he was here to help you discover it for yourself. You're on the right track, and closer than you know. The fight ahead of you, is the most important battle you face... we couldn't be more proud of you. The generations echo that truth more than we your brothers could ever articulate.
We're all stressed out at how stubborn you are. We see you struggle, and want you to relax. But you're a man with a mission. Your body isn't helping much anymore, but it's your mission, and your body, and nobody can take that from you... and besides, you believe in so much more than what meets the eye.
I used to be frustrated with you, but one day, I hope I am the same.
"You need to take it easy, you don't have much life left in you."
"You don't understand, I can't rest now... I only have a little more to give."
Love resounds through the generations, at the same time, it starts fresh every time. You tell me that your addiction was the best thing that happened to you... you only lost 45 years, and after that, what you knew was priceless. I understand that now. What makes a man a man? I can't even get close to pin pointing that answer, but I know that it is some sort of integration of love and responsibility. That lesson always comes at a price. He paid it. He faced his demons.
Some things can't be passed down, only modeled.
I pray that this is never lost.
He was able to help my dad discover this for himself. Tim, I wish he was here to help you discover it for yourself. You're on the right track, and closer than you know. The fight ahead of you, is the most important battle you face... we couldn't be more proud of you. The generations echo that truth more than we your brothers could ever articulate.
Friday, May 2, 2008
If I could trace the line that ran,
between your smile and your slight of hand,
I'd guess that you put something up my sleeve.
-Josh Ritter
Although the connections may seem startling, the dots are just too hard to connect. I don't know how these lines got so tangled over the years... and it seems that as it became harder to make sense of them, confusion set in, and the lines began to break and fade in to thousands of dots... but the dots will never go away. It's amazing how it would take a life time of study to merely decipher a handful of years.
Love is never stagnant. The cool summer morning reminds me of the path traveled and the adventure that is taking place. I sit in my house, surrounded by things I've acquired or renovated. I think about my relationships, my investments, and my pending lawsuit. I've done more than many. However, I know that I will be giving up this treasure for a greater one. As the universe conspires to aid in my success, I know that I'm loved, and my legend will be one of love and sacrifice. Love is only in movement, for love cannot stay still.
As for the dots... I am at peace with them. They are not my enemy, yet befriending them has been one of the most rewarding challenges. They are a part of me, and they help me learn. I am who I am because of grace. The dots spell that out clearer than any line could ever articulate... because here I am.
Purely miraculous.
This intersection is divine.
between your smile and your slight of hand,
I'd guess that you put something up my sleeve.
-Josh Ritter
Although the connections may seem startling, the dots are just too hard to connect. I don't know how these lines got so tangled over the years... and it seems that as it became harder to make sense of them, confusion set in, and the lines began to break and fade in to thousands of dots... but the dots will never go away. It's amazing how it would take a life time of study to merely decipher a handful of years.
Love is never stagnant. The cool summer morning reminds me of the path traveled and the adventure that is taking place. I sit in my house, surrounded by things I've acquired or renovated. I think about my relationships, my investments, and my pending lawsuit. I've done more than many. However, I know that I will be giving up this treasure for a greater one. As the universe conspires to aid in my success, I know that I'm loved, and my legend will be one of love and sacrifice. Love is only in movement, for love cannot stay still.
As for the dots... I am at peace with them. They are not my enemy, yet befriending them has been one of the most rewarding challenges. They are a part of me, and they help me learn. I am who I am because of grace. The dots spell that out clearer than any line could ever articulate... because here I am.
Purely miraculous.
This intersection is divine.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Some prophesies are self fulfilling,
I've had to work for all of mine.
Better times are gonna come to me God willing,
cause I can't, leave this world behind.
-Josh Ritter
Still wresting with what is a point of view and what is reality... and if the distinction matters at all. It does little to change the direction of the path in front of me, but I would like to think that it could at least change the colors... the more I figure out.
Sometimes I wish that God would just stop everything, get my attention, and ask, "Are there any questions at this point in the show?"
Cause I have some... and maybe I'm just waiting for a good time to ask.
I've had to work for all of mine.
Better times are gonna come to me God willing,
cause I can't, leave this world behind.
-Josh Ritter
Still wresting with what is a point of view and what is reality... and if the distinction matters at all. It does little to change the direction of the path in front of me, but I would like to think that it could at least change the colors... the more I figure out.
Sometimes I wish that God would just stop everything, get my attention, and ask, "Are there any questions at this point in the show?"
Cause I have some... and maybe I'm just waiting for a good time to ask.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Wrestling With Dysfunction
Consider an abstract spectrum.
On one end are your truest desires… so true that you can't fully comprehend them. They would only be proved once discovered, and that only if discovery is even possible. On the other end is your duty to better the quality of life for others. For the most part, life’s dealings fall gently in the middle where our desires of intimacy lift up and better others as we connect with their desires. However, community proves that this equilibrium is quite sensitive, and the theory of max utility falls short once again. Spending ones life to bring life to others offers an amazing reward, yet it can seem to leave little room to explore the depths of ones own personal desires.
The very fact that this spectrum exists in my mind tells me that I am buying in to an impostor. However, sometimes I struggle with this thing called ‘self’. Not to make myself out to be a selfless martyr, but sometimes I feel that the only way to truly seek my own desires, I would have to be convinced that I am the only person on this planet. Perhaps then I could be truly selfish. On the other hand, why even bother with those petty desires that hold no promise of true satisfaction on discovery… I know that I’ll choose the hand that holds the most desires for the most people anyways... Utility wins again. Way to go team.
Conclusion → These desires I have bring me hurt. Helping others brings me joy… but to fully give up on desire, is to starve a part of my being to death. I love much, but I have also suppressed much. Maybe that’s what it means to die to self… if it is, I am yet to find the healthiest way.
A truth does emerge that I cannot deny…
In this life,
I have given more than I have received.
More has been taken out than put in.
Yet I am full. And overflow.
Profoundly loved... Perhaps even more profoundly accepted. I love to give…
I will fight to confess. I will face my demons.
On one end are your truest desires… so true that you can't fully comprehend them. They would only be proved once discovered, and that only if discovery is even possible. On the other end is your duty to better the quality of life for others. For the most part, life’s dealings fall gently in the middle where our desires of intimacy lift up and better others as we connect with their desires. However, community proves that this equilibrium is quite sensitive, and the theory of max utility falls short once again. Spending ones life to bring life to others offers an amazing reward, yet it can seem to leave little room to explore the depths of ones own personal desires.
The very fact that this spectrum exists in my mind tells me that I am buying in to an impostor. However, sometimes I struggle with this thing called ‘self’. Not to make myself out to be a selfless martyr, but sometimes I feel that the only way to truly seek my own desires, I would have to be convinced that I am the only person on this planet. Perhaps then I could be truly selfish. On the other hand, why even bother with those petty desires that hold no promise of true satisfaction on discovery… I know that I’ll choose the hand that holds the most desires for the most people anyways... Utility wins again. Way to go team.
Conclusion → These desires I have bring me hurt. Helping others brings me joy… but to fully give up on desire, is to starve a part of my being to death. I love much, but I have also suppressed much. Maybe that’s what it means to die to self… if it is, I am yet to find the healthiest way.
A truth does emerge that I cannot deny…
In this life,
I have given more than I have received.
More has been taken out than put in.
Yet I am full. And overflow.
Profoundly loved... Perhaps even more profoundly accepted. I love to give…
I will fight to confess. I will face my demons.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
To be fully known, and wildly loved.
It's such a rare combination.
Yet that is exactly what we are.
-Some contemporary Christian musician...
Contrary to the view that love always keeps one eye open and one shut, a greater love presents an alternative. It speaks of a realm where every light is turned on and every corner exposed. One would think the exposed dysfunction would bring shame... but the embrace confirms the opposite. Grace has never been sweeter.
What more can I ask of you?
Can I really ask for one more thing?
Here I am. A mess of knots, plagued by dysfunction... enticed by lack, and temped by impostors. You know every bit of my disarray... and yet you wildly and profoundly love me.
Thank you
It's such a rare combination.
Yet that is exactly what we are.
-Some contemporary Christian musician...
Contrary to the view that love always keeps one eye open and one shut, a greater love presents an alternative. It speaks of a realm where every light is turned on and every corner exposed. One would think the exposed dysfunction would bring shame... but the embrace confirms the opposite. Grace has never been sweeter.
What more can I ask of you?
Can I really ask for one more thing?
Here I am. A mess of knots, plagued by dysfunction... enticed by lack, and temped by impostors. You know every bit of my disarray... and yet you wildly and profoundly love me.
Thank you
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Generations of love
I read the story of the prodigal son. I'm not him, I'm the older brother. I'm bitter, and I can't forgive. I live in envy, and I take it out on those around me. I haven't treated Linda well.
I want to change. I've made many mistakes, nobody can take that from me... it's all my fault, don't tell me otherwise. I'm telling you that I haven't been the man I should be, just nod, and don't try to stop me... this should have been said long ago.
He changed. He fought to love. He found his peace.
Engraved on his stone:
"I knew love, love knew me. And when I walked, love walked with me."
-John Prine
A man that chose to stand up to his demons. I understand you more than ever... I wish I could have really known you, and understood how brave you were. I think we would have really gotten along now...
Today, ten years doesn't seem that long of a time.
I want to change. I've made many mistakes, nobody can take that from me... it's all my fault, don't tell me otherwise. I'm telling you that I haven't been the man I should be, just nod, and don't try to stop me... this should have been said long ago.
He changed. He fought to love. He found his peace.
Engraved on his stone:
"I knew love, love knew me. And when I walked, love walked with me."
-John Prine
A man that chose to stand up to his demons. I understand you more than ever... I wish I could have really known you, and understood how brave you were. I think we would have really gotten along now...
Today, ten years doesn't seem that long of a time.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
These blank images confirm my most recent discovery. I thrive at pulling the meaning out of hard times. I know it's motivated by desperation, the longing we go through when we're trying to make sense of our hurt, but in these times I make sure to pull every bit of beauty of life. When life is good... when prayers are answered... I don't know.
I can't help wonder if I'm running from something.
I can fight the current, no matter how strong.
I can get back, No matter how far it might take me.
Then relax and let it sweep me away... gently drifting right over my over analyzing mind to a place that never mattered... down stream with the rest of the refuse that neither had the substance or strength to end up anywhere else.
The greatest fear isn't failing to find your direction. It's finding out everything you truly desire, then not being able to attain it.
Hope only comes from the truth. Unfortunately, as of late, the job of truth mostly hasn't been leading me to true desire as much as she has been showing me the impostor. I think this is my fault, but I'm learning. I've learned too much to ignore the direction, or to not take the next step. It's just so hard to hear her sometimes.
It's the desperation of the dissonance...
How the dirty envy the clean.
How the ugly see more beauty than the beautiful...
How the lonely crave a single voice, while the rest are not satisfied with the attention of a few.
I know that if I listen carefully, I will be able to hear.
I need you just as much today as I did yesterday... when tomorrow is a little better than today, I pray I still need you the same.
You're beautiful.
I can't help wonder if I'm running from something.
I can fight the current, no matter how strong.
I can get back, No matter how far it might take me.
Then relax and let it sweep me away... gently drifting right over my over analyzing mind to a place that never mattered... down stream with the rest of the refuse that neither had the substance or strength to end up anywhere else.
The greatest fear isn't failing to find your direction. It's finding out everything you truly desire, then not being able to attain it.
Hope only comes from the truth. Unfortunately, as of late, the job of truth mostly hasn't been leading me to true desire as much as she has been showing me the impostor. I think this is my fault, but I'm learning. I've learned too much to ignore the direction, or to not take the next step. It's just so hard to hear her sometimes.
It's the desperation of the dissonance...
How the dirty envy the clean.
How the ugly see more beauty than the beautiful...
How the lonely crave a single voice, while the rest are not satisfied with the attention of a few.
I know that if I listen carefully, I will be able to hear.
I need you just as much today as I did yesterday... when tomorrow is a little better than today, I pray I still need you the same.
You're beautiful.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Entry 2
Rumblings are far more felt than heard and certainly never seen.
They come to you through the soles of your feet into the depth of your soul.
Only then do they open the eyes of your heart.
They speak of a shift that is about to take place.
-Mcmanus, Perils of Ayden.
As you stand, a seemingly insignificant gust of wind comes to you and tries to tell you a secret. You can't quite explain it, but you are somewhat consumed by the tranquility of your weakened state. The rhythm of your pulse tells you of a new song. A change of heart is taking place. The weakness that fought heavily against you now seems to befriend you.
The voices stand still as you take in the purity of the moment.
You relax and let the weight of your load fall wherever it wishes.
The thud of the ground makes you smile as it echo's through the desolate land.
The echo seems to thicken and intensify.
...
Both breathing and the beating of your heart stop simultaneously as you realize the echo is no echo at all. As if there were explosions in the distance, too far to tell of their power and reach. A force is coming. Your senses are both heightened and flustered as you don't know... where this force is coming from, where it is going, what it is... and most importantly, how to possibly react. You franticly look around to find some sort of answer or at least cover. Finding nothing you turn and stare in what seems to be the face of the force.
The atmosphere thickens as the pressure intensifies. You plant your feet firmly in the ground as to prepare for impact. Although it comes from outside, and from a clear direction, it also comes seems to come from within. As if this force awakens another inside you, stirring within the very core of your being. Was this force always within me, laying dormant? It too seems to prepare for impact with you.
For the first time the rumbling becomes audible and builds rapidly. Stronger and louder, your body shakes trying to hold its ground. You realize your senses useless to you. Your body consumed. Your ears overpowered. You decide to close your eyes as well... You don't need to see what is about to overtake you. Everything inside you screams, warring against this outside force, seemingly restricted only by a thin barrier of skin. It feels like the slightest movement could make you explode. Intensifying still...
Instantly the force is lifted. Silence pursues.
Veiny limbs try to relax as you take a moment to figure out your new reality. As far as you can tell you are fine, but something is very different. The atmosphere has shifted. You neither feel weak or strong, just heavier... or maybe lighter. You never imagined a presence so powerful. You did not know the capacity of the power inside you. But the part that brings you to your knees, is the connection that took place between the two.
Where do you go from here?
Staggered by an observation, this was merely foreshock.
You pull yourself up, and start walking in to this new world.
They come to you through the soles of your feet into the depth of your soul.
Only then do they open the eyes of your heart.
They speak of a shift that is about to take place.
-Mcmanus, Perils of Ayden.
As you stand, a seemingly insignificant gust of wind comes to you and tries to tell you a secret. You can't quite explain it, but you are somewhat consumed by the tranquility of your weakened state. The rhythm of your pulse tells you of a new song. A change of heart is taking place. The weakness that fought heavily against you now seems to befriend you.
The voices stand still as you take in the purity of the moment.
You relax and let the weight of your load fall wherever it wishes.
The thud of the ground makes you smile as it echo's through the desolate land.
The echo seems to thicken and intensify.
...
Both breathing and the beating of your heart stop simultaneously as you realize the echo is no echo at all. As if there were explosions in the distance, too far to tell of their power and reach. A force is coming. Your senses are both heightened and flustered as you don't know... where this force is coming from, where it is going, what it is... and most importantly, how to possibly react. You franticly look around to find some sort of answer or at least cover. Finding nothing you turn and stare in what seems to be the face of the force.
The atmosphere thickens as the pressure intensifies. You plant your feet firmly in the ground as to prepare for impact. Although it comes from outside, and from a clear direction, it also comes seems to come from within. As if this force awakens another inside you, stirring within the very core of your being. Was this force always within me, laying dormant? It too seems to prepare for impact with you.
For the first time the rumbling becomes audible and builds rapidly. Stronger and louder, your body shakes trying to hold its ground. You realize your senses useless to you. Your body consumed. Your ears overpowered. You decide to close your eyes as well... You don't need to see what is about to overtake you. Everything inside you screams, warring against this outside force, seemingly restricted only by a thin barrier of skin. It feels like the slightest movement could make you explode. Intensifying still...
Instantly the force is lifted. Silence pursues.
Veiny limbs try to relax as you take a moment to figure out your new reality. As far as you can tell you are fine, but something is very different. The atmosphere has shifted. You neither feel weak or strong, just heavier... or maybe lighter. You never imagined a presence so powerful. You did not know the capacity of the power inside you. But the part that brings you to your knees, is the connection that took place between the two.
Where do you go from here?
Staggered by an observation, this was merely foreshock.
You pull yourself up, and start walking in to this new world.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Your Darkest Eyes
No one else was ever half this beautiful.
No two hearts were ever half what ours was whole.
Whole.
Desperate like the rain on your midnight windowsill.
I said I love you,
And I know that’s what you meant.
I know that’s what you meant.
-Rocky Votolato
Even though I don't fully understand why, To me, this is one of the most beautiful images of love. Embedded with awe, overwhelmed with longing, yet coming from a heart that purely desires to give.
No two hearts were ever half what ours was whole.
Whole.
Desperate like the rain on your midnight windowsill.
I said I love you,
And I know that’s what you meant.
I know that’s what you meant.
-Rocky Votolato
Even though I don't fully understand why, To me, this is one of the most beautiful images of love. Embedded with awe, overwhelmed with longing, yet coming from a heart that purely desires to give.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Entry 1
Standing up strait seems harder today than usual. Confused at the source of your weakness, you start the daunting task of attempting to bring yet another cloudy situation to light. Trying to connect the dots... assigning meaning... then assessing the situation. Conclusions seem to come quicker these days. Maybe it's because you're merely finding new names for the same fears... you acknowledge that possibility with a sigh. But what about this new dynamic? There is something different, and if that could be located, maybe breakthrough would occur. Then again, how can anything practical come out of trying to rationalize the irrational... You wonder if there is any tangible evidence that you can possibly come up with... and if so, can it really make you strong?
Your arms pulsate as weakness sets in. You feel yourself loosening your grip.
A question catches you off guard.
"Am I loosening my grip on that which upholds me? Or am I loosening my grip on that which holds me back?"
These days you are accustomed to having more questions than answers. They do not upset you, because you know they mean you no harm... they are simply trying to help you form or reform a reality in transition. You lose interest in the questions as your attention gets directed to the very pulse itself.
More powerful than before. It jumps through your entire being.
Relentlessly forcing itself through every corner of your body.
It speaks of the underpinnings of what is truly happening.
By far the most mysterious and peculiar part of your conversation.
Although it cannot be controlled or understood,
it tells you that there is more going on than what meets the eye.
Behind the scenes, in the most secret meetings, in the basement of your brain...
There is a force that is powerfully and strategically working day and night...
pushing you to live.
Comfort almost always comes in peculiar ways.
You stand as still as you possibly can...
you don't want to miss a single beat.
Amongst all the turmoil and confusion,
you have proof of life.
Your arms pulsate as weakness sets in. You feel yourself loosening your grip.
A question catches you off guard.
"Am I loosening my grip on that which upholds me? Or am I loosening my grip on that which holds me back?"
These days you are accustomed to having more questions than answers. They do not upset you, because you know they mean you no harm... they are simply trying to help you form or reform a reality in transition. You lose interest in the questions as your attention gets directed to the very pulse itself.
More powerful than before. It jumps through your entire being.
Relentlessly forcing itself through every corner of your body.
It speaks of the underpinnings of what is truly happening.
By far the most mysterious and peculiar part of your conversation.
Although it cannot be controlled or understood,
it tells you that there is more going on than what meets the eye.
Behind the scenes, in the most secret meetings, in the basement of your brain...
There is a force that is powerfully and strategically working day and night...
pushing you to live.
Comfort almost always comes in peculiar ways.
You stand as still as you possibly can...
you don't want to miss a single beat.
Amongst all the turmoil and confusion,
you have proof of life.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Like the pilgrim in regress, that cannot quite find the way home... cloudy images of a road once traveled seem to mock you. You neither want where you ended up, nor remember what you were running from. This moment takes a bite at your soul. Where do you go from here?
I stumbled on an observation about myself tonight. A life skill that I have, and often take for granted. Something so powerful, that many stumble where I will succeed. I have the ability to laugh at myself.
With little pride to hold on to... softened by failure and dysfunction... accustomed to grace... I have no problem laughing at myself and admitting, "Wow God, I really screwed the pouch on that one!"
One by one, my plans fail. My path is almost constantly being redirected, contrary to my plans... and it's perfect. I've never felt more free. I've never felt more human.
My conclusion => Loosely hold on to your plans, grip your values as tightly as you can.
Although I've proven that I can't successfully plan my life the way I want, I can take steps to become the person I am supposed to be. So why am I spending so much time planning, and so little time investing in myself? Dissecting the most intimate things of the heart... stripping away the veneer... finding what it at the core... then, working to bring what is at the core, to the surface.
So what do you value? Do you know what you're looking for?
Whatever it is, I truly hope you find it... but I have to warn you. There is a chance you can gain what you truly desire... you can gain your world as you see it right now, and in the end, still lose your soul.
Find out what your soul truly desires.
Intimacy, Destiny, Meaning...
Your soul craves God.
I stumbled on an observation about myself tonight. A life skill that I have, and often take for granted. Something so powerful, that many stumble where I will succeed. I have the ability to laugh at myself.
With little pride to hold on to... softened by failure and dysfunction... accustomed to grace... I have no problem laughing at myself and admitting, "Wow God, I really screwed the pouch on that one!"
One by one, my plans fail. My path is almost constantly being redirected, contrary to my plans... and it's perfect. I've never felt more free. I've never felt more human.
My conclusion => Loosely hold on to your plans, grip your values as tightly as you can.
Although I've proven that I can't successfully plan my life the way I want, I can take steps to become the person I am supposed to be. So why am I spending so much time planning, and so little time investing in myself? Dissecting the most intimate things of the heart... stripping away the veneer... finding what it at the core... then, working to bring what is at the core, to the surface.
So what do you value? Do you know what you're looking for?
Whatever it is, I truly hope you find it... but I have to warn you. There is a chance you can gain what you truly desire... you can gain your world as you see it right now, and in the end, still lose your soul.
Find out what your soul truly desires.
Intimacy, Destiny, Meaning...
Your soul craves God.
Ezekiel 36:26
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
This often seems like a cycle to me... and often, it seems like too much to bare. My heart always seems to be on the front lines. It gets beaten and calloused. Bitterness takes over, and the only defense of the heart is to build walls. Then God comes in, and starts breaking away the walls. The friction of the stones being ripped off... the mortar being broken... almost always brings me to my knees. In the end, revealing something so soft and pure, although weak and gasping for breath.
A heart of flesh.
The process leaves me in awe of His grace as throw myself at the feet of my healer. I'm always amazed by the capacity of a heart of flesh. The power to walk in love. To freely give. To uphold those that do not have the capacity to turn and uphold you. I meet God here, as I am amazed at how much my soft, vulnerable heart can give.
But before long, I find myself hurt... and the cycle repeats itself.
Maybe you're like me, maybe you're not. Maybe you've found the perfect distance as to how far down your sleeve, you should wear your heart. Not too close to keep people out... but not too far to protect it from potential hurt.
I haven't found this perfect distance... and I'm not even sure if it exists.
I want to stay soft. I want to be human. Respecting the power of love... how dangerous it really is... and completely essential to life itself.
My comfort comes from my healer and all the convictions that He has placed inside me. The essence of maturity, is placing those convictions over my emotions and feelings.
Philippians 1:9-11 Tells me that my love should abound, and with God this brings knowledge and discernment. That through openly loving, I can prove what is excellent, and sincerely give myself to that. The fruit that will come out of that will be pleasing to God, because it is righteous and pure.
This is a conviction of my heart, and it is more powerful than all the stress that my emotions can throw my way.
Lord, help me love. Your grace is amazing.
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
This often seems like a cycle to me... and often, it seems like too much to bare. My heart always seems to be on the front lines. It gets beaten and calloused. Bitterness takes over, and the only defense of the heart is to build walls. Then God comes in, and starts breaking away the walls. The friction of the stones being ripped off... the mortar being broken... almost always brings me to my knees. In the end, revealing something so soft and pure, although weak and gasping for breath.
A heart of flesh.
The process leaves me in awe of His grace as throw myself at the feet of my healer. I'm always amazed by the capacity of a heart of flesh. The power to walk in love. To freely give. To uphold those that do not have the capacity to turn and uphold you. I meet God here, as I am amazed at how much my soft, vulnerable heart can give.
But before long, I find myself hurt... and the cycle repeats itself.
Maybe you're like me, maybe you're not. Maybe you've found the perfect distance as to how far down your sleeve, you should wear your heart. Not too close to keep people out... but not too far to protect it from potential hurt.
I haven't found this perfect distance... and I'm not even sure if it exists.
I want to stay soft. I want to be human. Respecting the power of love... how dangerous it really is... and completely essential to life itself.
My comfort comes from my healer and all the convictions that He has placed inside me. The essence of maturity, is placing those convictions over my emotions and feelings.
Philippians 1:9-11 Tells me that my love should abound, and with God this brings knowledge and discernment. That through openly loving, I can prove what is excellent, and sincerely give myself to that. The fruit that will come out of that will be pleasing to God, because it is righteous and pure.
This is a conviction of my heart, and it is more powerful than all the stress that my emotions can throw my way.
Lord, help me love. Your grace is amazing.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Gentle chastening presses up against me. It redirects my mind, carefully cutting, making room for the truth. Peace causes me to loosen my grip on my fears... just enough to hear love speak.
"It's not about time, as if I'm holding back from you. It's about the miracle that has both happened and is taking place. If you lose sight of that, time will do nothing for you. Never underestimate the power of walking in love. That power is in you, and your fears cower before it.
...Oh, and I'm proud of you."
A part of me wants to stay here forever. Never move. Enjoy the light I have now. But I hear the darkness moan as the light forcefully presses against it.
The sun is rising. I need to do go.
"It's not about time, as if I'm holding back from you. It's about the miracle that has both happened and is taking place. If you lose sight of that, time will do nothing for you. Never underestimate the power of walking in love. That power is in you, and your fears cower before it.
...Oh, and I'm proud of you."
A part of me wants to stay here forever. Never move. Enjoy the light I have now. But I hear the darkness moan as the light forcefully presses against it.
The sun is rising. I need to do go.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
If the path of the upright is like the first gleam of dawn, shining brighter and brighter till the full light of day... then I'm afraid that I've milked this gleam for all it's worth. So where does that leave me? Waiting on the sun.
It's not as bad as I make it out to be...
I can be a little dramatic.
Sorry
It's not as bad as I make it out to be...
I can be a little dramatic.
Sorry
Monday, March 3, 2008
At the very least, you are redeeming me to once again hope in what could be.
At the most... you could be everything.
These day are beautiful. I enjoy taking them in... but there is a new complexity to them. Different from before. I slow myself and stand in the midst. As everything races around me, the wind almost knocks me over. They aren't forceful. In fact, they're quite pure... too much beauty to take in. I get startled.
Of all the good that weighs heavily on me...
Of all the answers to desperate prayers...
Of all hope that has recently taken the place of despair.
I still find myself stopping.
"Father, I just want you to be proud of me... you're proud of me right?"
I don't ever want to place my hope what's going on around me... but at the same time I want to graciously accept all that You want to pour in to my life. I'm just scared of messing it up.
I take a few moments. I let truth in. Knowing that only You could have put me here, and that You have clearly placed me here to move forwards. Most importantly, you make me able.
I love you. I don't want to over analyze... I just want to stay close to You. I'm willing, You know I am... I just get scared.
All the affirmation I need is in You.
At the most... you could be everything.
These day are beautiful. I enjoy taking them in... but there is a new complexity to them. Different from before. I slow myself and stand in the midst. As everything races around me, the wind almost knocks me over. They aren't forceful. In fact, they're quite pure... too much beauty to take in. I get startled.
Of all the good that weighs heavily on me...
Of all the answers to desperate prayers...
Of all hope that has recently taken the place of despair.
I still find myself stopping.
"Father, I just want you to be proud of me... you're proud of me right?"
I don't ever want to place my hope what's going on around me... but at the same time I want to graciously accept all that You want to pour in to my life. I'm just scared of messing it up.
I take a few moments. I let truth in. Knowing that only You could have put me here, and that You have clearly placed me here to move forwards. Most importantly, you make me able.
I love you. I don't want to over analyze... I just want to stay close to You. I'm willing, You know I am... I just get scared.
All the affirmation I need is in You.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
This thing about you...
There is so much racing through my mind that listening seems almost impossible. Luckily, I know that I'm led by higher ways. The last of this Sumatra helps relieve the tension in my brain. It reminds me that amongst the transition and the disarray... I know enough, and have all I need to know... and I am so thankful.
I'm willing and able.
I'm already committed.
Just waiting on some details.
I love You
There is so much racing through my mind that listening seems almost impossible. Luckily, I know that I'm led by higher ways. The last of this Sumatra helps relieve the tension in my brain. It reminds me that amongst the transition and the disarray... I know enough, and have all I need to know... and I am so thankful.
I'm willing and able.
I'm already committed.
Just waiting on some details.
I love You
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
All these highs and lows... God, do you think I'm ridiculous?
...
Haha, okay. You don't have to answer that.
hmmm. The path of the righteous is like the shining sun, shining brighter and brighter until the full light of day. Not that the path isn't bumpy... but we don't have to walk in the dark. We don't need to stumble when we get the courage to run. We can know the right way.
But in all this, I want to acknowledge, that it is more important to know Him than to know the information that He wants to give you. Knowing the way to go is nice, but to know Him... is amazing.
Psalm 139
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
Lord, you alone know the painful process that I have gone through to get here. I look back on the dark moments, and so clearly see how you were with me. I look at where I am and see the fulfillment of so many prayers. I look forward... and I am nervous, because I know this is just a start... but I know that You're with me.
Thank you
...
Haha, okay. You don't have to answer that.
hmmm. The path of the righteous is like the shining sun, shining brighter and brighter until the full light of day. Not that the path isn't bumpy... but we don't have to walk in the dark. We don't need to stumble when we get the courage to run. We can know the right way.
But in all this, I want to acknowledge, that it is more important to know Him than to know the information that He wants to give you. Knowing the way to go is nice, but to know Him... is amazing.
Psalm 139
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
Lord, you alone know the painful process that I have gone through to get here. I look back on the dark moments, and so clearly see how you were with me. I look at where I am and see the fulfillment of so many prayers. I look forward... and I am nervous, because I know this is just a start... but I know that You're with me.
Thank you
Monday, February 18, 2008
A few steps closer. Momentum building.
Today, it would be hard for you to convince me that my God is not tangible.
Here is the reality, as much stress that I can have from wanting to hear from God and know His will... He wants me to know even more. So the struggle is not to convince God, but to position myself to hear.
I think we're probably both in the same boat with this. Here is the hard part, God doesn't give out direction for consideration. God will not show you a series of plans for you to choose which one is best for you. You do not get to ask for a plan B. This is a matter of heart. It means going through the process of putting your desires behind, loosening the grip on your dreams, and actually make yourself available for anything... Then it's not so much a matter of asking God for His will, but telling him, You have already agreed to do it... and you're just waiting on some details.
Lord, let my heart be there. I trust you, I want to be willing... positioned to go. Positioned to hear. I love you.
This transition is intense, but more and more I'm grasping the reality of the situation. The friction is both shaping me and redirecting my path in to something bigger than I could imagine.
Thank you Lord.
Today, it would be hard for you to convince me that my God is not tangible.
Here is the reality, as much stress that I can have from wanting to hear from God and know His will... He wants me to know even more. So the struggle is not to convince God, but to position myself to hear.
I think we're probably both in the same boat with this. Here is the hard part, God doesn't give out direction for consideration. God will not show you a series of plans for you to choose which one is best for you. You do not get to ask for a plan B. This is a matter of heart. It means going through the process of putting your desires behind, loosening the grip on your dreams, and actually make yourself available for anything... Then it's not so much a matter of asking God for His will, but telling him, You have already agreed to do it... and you're just waiting on some details.
Lord, let my heart be there. I trust you, I want to be willing... positioned to go. Positioned to hear. I love you.
This transition is intense, but more and more I'm grasping the reality of the situation. The friction is both shaping me and redirecting my path in to something bigger than I could imagine.
Thank you Lord.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Friction
Each step gained weight as the path became both steeper and more jagged. The next resting point is absurdly out of reach if it even exists at all. I wish I could give up, but I have one problem with that... I've never felt so free.
All this friction is more intense than I had imagined... It can so easily consume me. However, it only takes a moment to get my eyes off it, and then I can clearly see the reality of my situation... which is nothing short of the manifestation of my prayers. Moving forwards can take up every bit of my strength... but after every step, I can look back and clearly see your fingerprints left on my back. Your grace is amazing... the end so much more valuable than the cost... even though it costs everything.
Thank you like hearted people for valuing the beauty of humanity and the calling on your lives.
All this friction is more intense than I had imagined... It can so easily consume me. However, it only takes a moment to get my eyes off it, and then I can clearly see the reality of my situation... which is nothing short of the manifestation of my prayers. Moving forwards can take up every bit of my strength... but after every step, I can look back and clearly see your fingerprints left on my back. Your grace is amazing... the end so much more valuable than the cost... even though it costs everything.
Thank you like hearted people for valuing the beauty of humanity and the calling on your lives.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Clarity. Not that I've found it, but I've stumbled on to something too great, that I can't deny its potential. I thank God, that as I stumble along, He directs my steps. Although my pace is staggered, my balance is off, my vision is blurred, and I'm mostly direction less... I choose to take another step. I'm weak, but grace and His presence upholds me. Light breaks through the darkness... taking me down paths I would have never imagined... discoveries that are so sweet to my soul... leaving me nourished.
The sweet connect. That is all I seek. It's all in you.
So I ask these questions, knowing that you are willing, able, and not slack in your promises. Work in me Lord. I know it's your love that transcends understanding, and that freedom comes from you. Thank you Lord for carrying me. Purify my heart, that I can see, that I can hear, so that I can turn and you can heal me. Help me to see the beauty in the human spirit all around me, so that I can better love you and those around me.
Progress is a byproduct of your hand on me. Blessing overtakes me, always with purpose... never let the byproduct hold me back from the truth of your love. All is yours, and it's you that feed me, and satisfy the full dynamic of my soul.
Thank you Lord, for the adventure before me. It's overwhelming, the new duplex, the new friends, the challenge and the calling. It's all in your hands, I'm willing. I know this is going to be bigger than I can imagine... and if you don't meet me there, I'm dead already... but I know you're faithful.
Don't let Gerald Wilcox kill me.
The sweet connect. That is all I seek. It's all in you.
So I ask these questions, knowing that you are willing, able, and not slack in your promises. Work in me Lord. I know it's your love that transcends understanding, and that freedom comes from you. Thank you Lord for carrying me. Purify my heart, that I can see, that I can hear, so that I can turn and you can heal me. Help me to see the beauty in the human spirit all around me, so that I can better love you and those around me.
Progress is a byproduct of your hand on me. Blessing overtakes me, always with purpose... never let the byproduct hold me back from the truth of your love. All is yours, and it's you that feed me, and satisfy the full dynamic of my soul.
Thank you Lord, for the adventure before me. It's overwhelming, the new duplex, the new friends, the challenge and the calling. It's all in your hands, I'm willing. I know this is going to be bigger than I can imagine... and if you don't meet me there, I'm dead already... but I know you're faithful.
Don't let Gerald Wilcox kill me.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Moment of honesty.
I can still hear this house making fun of me... and it hurts my feelings.
I mean, I know I was naive. That house doesn't need to rub it in.
The tail end of all those consequences is going to be intense, but at least it is the tail.
So I stand still. The momentum of my freedom got out of hand, and a moment of confusion caused me to stop and look back. I'm not sure how long I've been standing here now, time doesn't seem to be a factor. How did I get here? Where was I going? It seemed to be important because I was really in a hurry. I could stare at this path behind me all day, and try to make sense of it... or worse, try to think of how I could have changed it... like, "what if I could have better articulated the position you put me in." and "what if I kept fighting, maybe..."
"Hey!"
"ya?"
"Look, you can go back down that path, but I'll tell you right now, you're going to be walking it alone."
"Why do you say that?"
"I've been down that way, and you're not going to find anyone to fight for you down there."
"Then what's the point in moving at all?"
"I tell you the truth, if you choose to move forwards, I will fight by your side every step."
Freedom is beautiful. But limited by truth and discipline... and meaningless without love.
I can still hear this house making fun of me... and it hurts my feelings.
I mean, I know I was naive. That house doesn't need to rub it in.
The tail end of all those consequences is going to be intense, but at least it is the tail.
So I stand still. The momentum of my freedom got out of hand, and a moment of confusion caused me to stop and look back. I'm not sure how long I've been standing here now, time doesn't seem to be a factor. How did I get here? Where was I going? It seemed to be important because I was really in a hurry. I could stare at this path behind me all day, and try to make sense of it... or worse, try to think of how I could have changed it... like, "what if I could have better articulated the position you put me in." and "what if I kept fighting, maybe..."
"Hey!"
"ya?"
"Look, you can go back down that path, but I'll tell you right now, you're going to be walking it alone."
"Why do you say that?"
"I've been down that way, and you're not going to find anyone to fight for you down there."
"Then what's the point in moving at all?"
"I tell you the truth, if you choose to move forwards, I will fight by your side every step."
Freedom is beautiful. But limited by truth and discipline... and meaningless without love.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Another groggy morning... I climb out of bed too early, because falling back asleep is clearly impossible. The voices bombard my brain... but I haven't decided which ones to listen to yet. I'm not anxious... because I know where to start. Of all the hunger, cravings and aches... my spirit takes precedence. I know what sustains.
My mind tells me to dream...
My body wants to die...
My textbooks try to remind me of my exam tomorrow... but they need to learn to speak up.
My americano gently whispers, "Hey, don't do anything rash here. Take some time to figure this out... that's it... sit back..."
This morning could not be long enough.
1 “Is anyone thirsty?
Come and drink—
even if you have no money!
Come, take your choice of wine or milk—
it’s all free!
2 Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength?
Why pay for food that does you no good?
Listen to me, and you will eat what is good.
You will enjoy the finest food.
3 “Come to me with your ears wide open.
Listen, and you will find life.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you.
I will give you all the unfailing love I promised to David."
Isaiah 55
Know to identify your cravings, and don't be deceived in to spending your energy on what doesn't satisfy. Your cravings are good, but we can way too easily fill them with what doesn't satisfy. Only He can satisfy the whole dynamic of your being... and He is the only one that offers it... free of charge.
My mind tells me to dream...
My body wants to die...
My textbooks try to remind me of my exam tomorrow... but they need to learn to speak up.
My americano gently whispers, "Hey, don't do anything rash here. Take some time to figure this out... that's it... sit back..."
This morning could not be long enough.
1 “Is anyone thirsty?
Come and drink—
even if you have no money!
Come, take your choice of wine or milk—
it’s all free!
2 Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength?
Why pay for food that does you no good?
Listen to me, and you will eat what is good.
You will enjoy the finest food.
3 “Come to me with your ears wide open.
Listen, and you will find life.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you.
I will give you all the unfailing love I promised to David."
Isaiah 55
Know to identify your cravings, and don't be deceived in to spending your energy on what doesn't satisfy. Your cravings are good, but we can way too easily fill them with what doesn't satisfy. Only He can satisfy the whole dynamic of your being... and He is the only one that offers it... free of charge.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
The Sensualist
"The sensualist, I'll allow ye, begins by pursuing a real pleasure, though a small one. His sin is the less. But the time comes on when, though the pleasure becomes less and less and the craving fiercer and fiercer, and though he knows that joy can never come that way, yet he prefers to joy the mere fondling of unappeasable lust and would not have it taken from him. He'd fight to the death to keep it. He'd like well to be able to scratch: but even when he can scratch no more he'd rather itch than not."
-C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce
Lord, fix my eyes on what is true, for it is only the light that can truly satisfy, and only you know the full dynamic of what satisfies the human soul. Give this to me I pray.
-C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce
Lord, fix my eyes on what is true, for it is only the light that can truly satisfy, and only you know the full dynamic of what satisfies the human soul. Give this to me I pray.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
The Physician
The secrets of fitness.
All the fitness he requires.
Is to feel your need for him.
So here I sit, tearing this picture. I carefully stare at each piece as I rip it off, trying desperately to engrave in to my brain what it looks like and where it fits. The years haven't treated the picture well... it's dirty and faded. In need of being restored. Some wonder why I have held on to it for so long, but they did not see what I saw in it, and I can't forget how beautiful it once was. The logic is enough to drive me mad... that the best way to restore the picture is to tear it up, walk away, then maybe put it back together in the future.
What about the image? What if I can't remember where the pieces fit? What if it is never restored? What if I lose too many pieces in the move?
As hard as it is, you feel it is the only way... and it happens to be what the doctor has ordered. How I pleaded with him. I could merely hide the picture in one of the darkest corners of my basement... He looked at me, and in the most heartfelt, loving tone, delivered the bad truth... that I will never forget the beauty, and as long as the picture was in my possession, I would always go back to it. I would look deeply at the remnants, trying desperately to remember the detail and the beauty.
I know He is right.
And as absurd as this situation really is... maybe down the road, I will have the courage to try to put the pieces together... and who knows, maybe it will be more beautiful than ever.
I'd like to think that it might.
All the fitness he requires.
Is to feel your need for him.
So here I sit, tearing this picture. I carefully stare at each piece as I rip it off, trying desperately to engrave in to my brain what it looks like and where it fits. The years haven't treated the picture well... it's dirty and faded. In need of being restored. Some wonder why I have held on to it for so long, but they did not see what I saw in it, and I can't forget how beautiful it once was. The logic is enough to drive me mad... that the best way to restore the picture is to tear it up, walk away, then maybe put it back together in the future.
What about the image? What if I can't remember where the pieces fit? What if it is never restored? What if I lose too many pieces in the move?
As hard as it is, you feel it is the only way... and it happens to be what the doctor has ordered. How I pleaded with him. I could merely hide the picture in one of the darkest corners of my basement... He looked at me, and in the most heartfelt, loving tone, delivered the bad truth... that I will never forget the beauty, and as long as the picture was in my possession, I would always go back to it. I would look deeply at the remnants, trying desperately to remember the detail and the beauty.
I know He is right.
And as absurd as this situation really is... maybe down the road, I will have the courage to try to put the pieces together... and who knows, maybe it will be more beautiful than ever.
I'd like to think that it might.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
This is me
The best thing for me...
Such a wild thought. Such a wild gesture... The conversations I have with my daily latte always develop in strange ways... But this path was wild. Most importantly, ground was covered that can't be taken back... So I have to keep walking, not absent of tears.
Today, I have really come to realize that I'm unique. Actually, I'm freeking weird. My goals, values, and choices have developed in to this unique lifestyle I enjoy... and all too often I fail to acknowledge the creativity I have poured in to all this. How clearly this expresses me. What I do. The people around me. The causes that I love to pour in to. The depth and intensity of conversation that I so love... and equally, the things I hate. The places that bring me no pleasure. The many activities I would rather quietly sit out of than participate...
Please understand that I'm not being judgmental. This isn't about what's right and wrong... it's simply a matter of what is "me" and what isn't "me"... and I'm weird.
So, although I'm not sure what "the best thing for me" looks like, I know that it won't look like most other things... it's going to have to be much more obscure... maybe even weird. But I believe that heart exists.
Therefore, I pray for the courage to be myself, even to the fault of indignation. At my own embarrassment, I want to act out my being with as little shame possible... knowing that I don't quite fit in to most places. And that's okay... because this capacity to love within me is far to great for me to give up.
Such a wild thought. Such a wild gesture... The conversations I have with my daily latte always develop in strange ways... But this path was wild. Most importantly, ground was covered that can't be taken back... So I have to keep walking, not absent of tears.
Today, I have really come to realize that I'm unique. Actually, I'm freeking weird. My goals, values, and choices have developed in to this unique lifestyle I enjoy... and all too often I fail to acknowledge the creativity I have poured in to all this. How clearly this expresses me. What I do. The people around me. The causes that I love to pour in to. The depth and intensity of conversation that I so love... and equally, the things I hate. The places that bring me no pleasure. The many activities I would rather quietly sit out of than participate...
Please understand that I'm not being judgmental. This isn't about what's right and wrong... it's simply a matter of what is "me" and what isn't "me"... and I'm weird.
So, although I'm not sure what "the best thing for me" looks like, I know that it won't look like most other things... it's going to have to be much more obscure... maybe even weird. But I believe that heart exists.
Therefore, I pray for the courage to be myself, even to the fault of indignation. At my own embarrassment, I want to act out my being with as little shame possible... knowing that I don't quite fit in to most places. And that's okay... because this capacity to love within me is far to great for me to give up.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
The Uprising
The reality of it all comes crashing down on me once again. Why can't I learn this one lesson... Why does freedom get blurred so easily?
Freedom is NOT the power of choice, and I can finally prove it. Because every choice I make in my freedom, does not make me more free... so is it the freedom to choose that makes me free, or is it the choices I make out of freedom that make me more or less free. The answer is clearly the second. The conclusion is obvious - Freedoms power is only as strong as my ability to use wisdom based on the truth. And therefore, my freedom is confined to the extent of my bad decisions.
As trapped as I feel, the truth is not easily shut up. Murmurs resound through the ranks from the generals to the front lines of my soul. Rumors keep everyone on edge as I attempt to dissect the unsettling reality of my struggle. The rumors speak of an uprising. An insurrection is about to occur. The truth is always at work stirring a mutiny within me... I pray the insurrection will succeed.
Freedom is NOT the power of choice, and I can finally prove it. Because every choice I make in my freedom, does not make me more free... so is it the freedom to choose that makes me free, or is it the choices I make out of freedom that make me more or less free. The answer is clearly the second. The conclusion is obvious - Freedoms power is only as strong as my ability to use wisdom based on the truth. And therefore, my freedom is confined to the extent of my bad decisions.
As trapped as I feel, the truth is not easily shut up. Murmurs resound through the ranks from the generals to the front lines of my soul. Rumors keep everyone on edge as I attempt to dissect the unsettling reality of my struggle. The rumors speak of an uprising. An insurrection is about to occur. The truth is always at work stirring a mutiny within me... I pray the insurrection will succeed.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
After scrapping with the ferals and the tabby,
Let you brush my matted fur.
How I'd knead into your chest while you were sleeping.
Shallow breathing made me purr.
But I can't remember the sound that you found for me.
I can't remember the sound that you found for me
I can't remember the sound...
Virtue had to leave. Leaving meant walking from hard situation, and in to another. Maybe harder. But the longing was unbearable. It brought him to a desolate back lane... a place where few creatures could find any hope. But he thought to himself, "beyond the despair, there may be a hope... and if I listen carefully, I might hear the sound."
Some moments are so overwhelming... but this I know, that the desires and cravings of my soul are there because there is something that can satisfy. Only one knows the full dynamic of these cravings... the same one that said, "man should not live on bread alone, but every Word of God."
Sometimes we need to leave a hard situation, and enter one that is far scarier. Not because anyone is to blame, but because a thought enters your head, "how long can I go without hearing your voice?
and ... what if I never hear it again?"
So desperation called me out... The separation is heavy... The winter is cold and lonelier than I remember... but the voice has never been so clear.
I hope you know that I'm sorry it got too hard...
and I hope you know that I miss you.
Let you brush my matted fur.
How I'd knead into your chest while you were sleeping.
Shallow breathing made me purr.
But I can't remember the sound that you found for me.
I can't remember the sound that you found for me
I can't remember the sound...
Virtue had to leave. Leaving meant walking from hard situation, and in to another. Maybe harder. But the longing was unbearable. It brought him to a desolate back lane... a place where few creatures could find any hope. But he thought to himself, "beyond the despair, there may be a hope... and if I listen carefully, I might hear the sound."
Some moments are so overwhelming... but this I know, that the desires and cravings of my soul are there because there is something that can satisfy. Only one knows the full dynamic of these cravings... the same one that said, "man should not live on bread alone, but every Word of God."
Sometimes we need to leave a hard situation, and enter one that is far scarier. Not because anyone is to blame, but because a thought enters your head, "how long can I go without hearing your voice?
and ... what if I never hear it again?"
So desperation called me out... The separation is heavy... The winter is cold and lonelier than I remember... but the voice has never been so clear.
I hope you know that I'm sorry it got too hard...
and I hope you know that I miss you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)