Wrestling With Dysfunction

Consider an abstract spectrum.
On one end are your truest desires… so true that you can't fully comprehend them. They would only be proved once discovered, and that only if discovery is even possible. On the other end is your duty to better the quality of life for others. For the most part, life’s dealings fall gently in the middle where our desires of intimacy lift up and better others as we connect with their desires. However, community proves that this equilibrium is quite sensitive, and the theory of max utility falls short once again. Spending ones life to bring life to others offers an amazing reward, yet it can seem to leave little room to explore the depths of ones own personal desires.

The very fact that this spectrum exists in my mind tells me that I am buying in to an impostor. However, sometimes I struggle with this thing called ‘self’. Not to make myself out to be a selfless martyr, but sometimes I feel that the only way to truly seek my own desires, I would have to be convinced that I am the only person on this planet. Perhaps then I could be truly selfish. On the other hand, why even bother with those petty desires that hold no promise of true satisfaction on discovery… I know that I’ll choose the hand that holds the most desires for the most people anyways... Utility wins again. Way to go team.

Conclusion → These desires I have bring me hurt. Helping others brings me joy… but to fully give up on desire, is to starve a part of my being to death. I love much, but I have also suppressed much. Maybe that’s what it means to die to self… if it is, I am yet to find the healthiest way.

A truth does emerge that I cannot deny…
In this life,
I have given more than I have received.
More has been taken out than put in.
Yet I am full. And overflow.

Profoundly loved... Perhaps even more profoundly accepted. I love to give…
I will fight to confess. I will face my demons.